Ep 12. Who Better Than You?

I’m Kym Showers, and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 12, Who Better Than You?

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own well-being and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s gonna be fun. Let’s go.

Hi, guys, happy December. It’s officially Christmas and I love Christmas. I love every single thing about Christmas. So this year I decided I’m not going to put out a green tree. And so I bought these really cute, those big white birch trees that are already pre lit, keeping it kind of simple this year. And I like it like that. I like it just kind of clean and simple and lots of twinkle light. So that’s what I’ve got going on.

I’ve got my two babies lots of gifts already. I think I’m going to have to have them open them every time they come over, so they’re not just bombarded with a million things on Christmas morning. But I do love Christmas, it’s my favorite time of year.

And I was thinking about you guys this week and thinking about me. And I wrote – I actually wrote just a quick little blog post about what I’m going to talk to you about today on my Instagram. And I was thinking about this question, who better than me? Who better than you when facing difficult and challenging situations? Who better to handle it with grace than us? I think that that is the way that we keep evolving and changing and becoming who we actually really truly want to be which is always the highest best version of us.

And we do that by facing challenges and looking at them with a little cleaner perspective, a little more powerful perspective. And this question is very powerful and extremely helpful. So when faced with a challenging or difficult situation who better to rise above it than you? When faced with a challenging or difficult situation who better to handle it with grace than you? When faced with a challenging or difficult situation who better to not make it a big deal than you? Who better to be the generous one than you? Who better to let it go than you?

Who better than you? There is never anyone better than you in whatever situation you’re in. You’re the one. You’re not the victim. You are the hero. You’re already her. So all you have to do is show up as her. Your truest self is actually unoffendable. That’s my new favorite word, you guys, is unoffendable. We’ve got to stop being so easily offended. You already have everything you need to handle any circumstance, any tough situation. You’ve got to just trust yourself. You’ve got to think on purpose.

Nothing is happening to you, it’s all happening for you and your opportunity to be who you want to be, so start practicing. Instead of why is this happening to me, ask who better than me. This is where all your power lies. So own it all, own the entire experience.

So one of my favorite movies of all time is The Holiday which is perfect timing, the one with Kate Winslet as Iris and Cameron Diaz as Amanda Woods. I’m sure you’ve seen it 100 times like I have. So I’ll get right to the best part where Iris meets Arthur Abbott. Amanda’s elderly neighbor who is that Oscar Award winning screenwriter from the golden age of film. Over dinner Iris tells Arthur about her heartbreaking love life troubles.

And Arthur in turn tells her that every movie, every story has a best friend and a leading lady. And that Iris is playing the best friend with a role of the best friend instead of the leading lady in her own life. It was such a turning point in the movie for Iris. She had always played second best in her own life like she was the victim, the supporting role instead of the leading lady. And me too, I watched The Holiday for the first time when I was 45, the year it came out. And I had an aha moment at this particular spot in the film.

I was doing the same thing as Iris. I was being the best friend in my own life and letting everyone else be the most important role. Maybe you’re doing it right now unaware and simply being the supporting role in your own life instead of the freaking star. For heaven sakes, you’re the leading lady, you must step into that role and be her. Who better than you? Who better than you to be the leading lady in your own life? The leading lady is the one who makes the decisions and creates the plan, and leads the people, and writes her own story.

The leading lady is the one who trusts herself and tells the truth and owns her entire experience. The leading lady knows what she wants and is the pioneer and rises above the rest. The leading lady isn’t afraid of struggle, or hard work, or adversity, or making mistakes. The leading lady doesn’t wait around for someone to come along and save her. She is busy saving herself and anyone else in her story who needs help. She’s the most beautiful, resilient, creative, captivating woman in the entire movie.

She’s the one, she’s the star and it’s you, it’s always been you in your own life. And there is no one better than you. So now what? So how do you make the shift from being the best friend, being the supporting role to becoming the star of your own life, becoming the leading lady in the movie of your life, from being the best friend to being the star of the show? I have three ideas for you.

The first one is to just start noticing all the ways you are playing second best. The second one is grow your confidence. The third one is play the role, play the role of the leading lady and stop playing the role as the best friend.

So step number one. Notice when you’re playing second best. Notice when you’re telling yourself an old worn out story of how you’ve been hurt by someone, and blaming someone for ruining your life, maybe a parent, or an ex-husband, or a boss, or even a friend. It’s a story that keeps you from being the hero in your own journey. You’ve got to let it go. Blaming someone else will always keep you stuck in that second best role. It will keep you from creating and writing the beautiful story that’s available to you.

Every scene in your future is wide open to be imagined, created, and written by you. You get to write it starting today. You’re creating the movie of your life with the stories you’re telling in your mind. It’s all in your mind and in your ability to be willing to tell a better more powerful story. It’s a decision you make on purpose if you want great relationships you create them. Don’t wait for someone else to apologize, or to include you, or to make you feel good about yourself, or to give you an opportunity. You’re the one who does the work. You’re the one who takes the lead and figures things out.

You’re the one who owns every experience. When you feel less than or wounded, pay attention, this is good information for you. Question it. Get curious. Remind yourself this is for you. Let everything come up and take a look at it. This is an opportunity for you to rise above it, to be the bigger person, to see it differently and respond differently, maybe even for the first time. Any time I feel wounded I look at my thought that created the feeling. I know it’s not the person in front of me, I know it’s my thought.

I know my unconscious mind made someone else’s words or actions mean something negative about me. It’s what we all do. It’s not wrong, it’s just good to know, to be aware of. We have agency to respond to all situations exactly the way we want to. We never have to react, never. We never have to play the victim. We never have to be offended. We can if we want to and sometimes we want to but it’s always up to us. Our highest self will respond with compassion, and love, and power.

Our highest self doesn’t react, our highest self intentionally responds. You’re the hero of your story so be her.

Step number two. Grow your confidence. Self-confidence always comes from a place of love, never a place of fear, love for yourself and love for all the people in your story. Out of all the feelings you can feel, love will create the best results in your life. Love will be the fuel you need to be who you want to be. Love will be the reason you become the star of your life story, and who better than you to be the star of your life story?

So let’s talk about confidence. On the confidence spectrum, so imagine a big, long line, on the far opposite ends of the confidence spectrum line sits fear, in the middle of the spectrum sits love. On the far left end, motivated by fear, insecurity, and shame, and on the other end, on the far right end of the line of the spectrum is motivated by fear, arrogance, and blame.

When you live from the far left end of the spectrum you believe that there is something wrong with you. You live in fear and shame and react to every circumstance that way. You find evidence every day that something is wrong with you, and you show up to your life that way. That’s a victimhood position.

You play second best, you people please, and manipulate, and pretend and play the victim. You’re not good enough, and you shame yourself, and you blame others for your pain. You count on things outside of you to help you to feel better. You live in disappointment, and hurt, and resentment, you’re unhappy, stuck and you don’t know why.

And then on the far right end of the spectrum, the other end is fear, and arrogance, and blame. It’s the belief that there’s something wrong with everyone else, they are the problem, you find evidence everywhere to back up your belief. You judge, and criticize, and complain, and blame. You don’t take responsibility for your own behavior, but easily criticize and dismiss others. You need to prove you are right at all cost. You’re unhappy and stuck, and you don’t know why.

Both mindsets are driven by fear. You never get the results you want when you operate from fear. It’s the opposite of love, it’s the opposite of confidence. Somewhere in the middle of the line of the confidence spectrum is a spacious place of love and confidence, somewhere in the middle. It’s knowing that you’re amazing and so are we. You’re amazing and so is everyone else. You love yourself well, you take responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, your behavior. You know you’re worthy of a happy abundant life and so is everyone else.

You don’t rely on anything outside of you for validation or for your emotional wellbeing. You believe that we’re all doing the best we can, and the universe is rigged in our favor. You cheer yourself on and you cheer all of us on as well. You don’t gossip, or belittle, or judge, or compare. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, you let everyone think whatever they think and let it be okay. You let everyone be wrong about you if that’s what they’re thinking.

So when you believe this and you come from a place of self-confidence, come from a place of love you own your life experience. You play the role of the leading lady. You are the star of the show.

Step number three. So you just play the role, play the leading lady, be the star of your life story, be the hero, rehearse, practice. Know the thoughts, the feelings, the actions of the leading lady. Imagine your future self, your best self, your highest self. What is she thinking? What is she saying? How is she feeling? And how is she showing up? Act like her now. This is intentional work, you guys, this is focusing and using your imagination and rehearsing. You act as if you’re already her because you are.

When faced with a difficult situation who better to handle it with grace than the leading lady? When faced with a difficult person who better to rise above it than the hero of the story? When faced with criticism and blame who better to respond with love, forgiveness, and generosity than the star? You’re the one. You’re not the supporting role. You’re not the best friend. You’re not a character actor and you’re not behind the scenes. You are the star. So be her.

Be her already by stepping into the role and owning it, practice it, rehearse it, get comfortable with it, be committed to it, be courageous, be competent, be capable, be confident, be who you’ve always wanted to be. It’s your honor, and your responsibility, and your highest calling. There’s no one better than you and you are the only one for this particular role.

So to recap, how do you become leading lady in your own life? First of all notice the ways you aren’t being the leading lady, notice the ways you’re playing the best friend and you’re playing the behind the scenes.

Second step. Grow your confidence, do whatever it takes to grow your confidence coming from a place of love and not fear.

Step number three is rehearse the role, play the role, practice the role, get to know what it feels like to be the star of the show because girls, there’s no one better than us. We have to show up as the leading lady for our own lives. Bring all the power to your life. Bring the bigger love, the joy, the fun, the forgiveness, the light, the energy, the grace, the strength, and the optimism. You’re the hero, be the hero.

You’ve always been her, but you haven’t always shown up as her. And who better than you because there’s no one better than you. You’ve got to start practicing right now and I will see you next week. Love you so much.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.