Ep 70. Stop Fitting In

I am Kym Showers, and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 70: Stop Fitting In.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own wellbeing and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s going to be fun. Let’s go.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. I am so happy you’re here. Thank you for taking a few minutes out of your day and checking in with me and listening to what I have to share with you. So I have been thinking a lot about my year ahead of me, 2023. And I want it to be a really, really good one, maybe something a little different, maybe trying new things. And I don’t really usually pick a word for the year. I know a lot of people do but I love words. I have a few words for the year. I really want to uplevel my style. I like the word ‘robust’ for me this year.

I want to get a lot stronger in every area. And I am going to get stronger, I’m going to be lifting a lot of weights this year, I just love that. If you guys don’t follow Train with Joan on Instagram, I want you to start following her. She’s amazing. I have followed her for years and she really has been an inspiration for me. She’s older than me. I know she’s – I want to say she’s in her 70s. I could be wrong. But she is a weight trainer, a weightlifter. She totally transformed her life, so just go follow her on Instagram, her handle I think is Train with Joan.

But she continues to inspire me, and I just want my body to get stronger, more muscular this year. And so I’m going to be definitely weekly training with stronger or heavier weights. So if you’re in the second half of life, I would highly recommend you do that. I do think that it’s what we need. And then along with that, to be intentional about the foods you eat, upping your protein intake is super important too. So it just makes for such a good match. When you are over 40 it’s time for you to really focus on keeping your body strong because we lose so much muscle as we age.

And it helps in every other way when we can maintain our strength, we can bounce back. I mean we really can stay super resilient with anything that we might catch, any viruses, anything like that, also with any, if we ever have to have surgeries. If we ever have an injury and we have maintained and kept our bodies super strong and healthy, we just bounce back so much quicker. So I’m thinking about that for this year for me as I turn 62 in March. I’m kind of excited about just getting my body stronger by the week and by the month, and by the year.

So don’t give up on yourself ever. Know that you can create any body that you can imagine, it just takes some intention, and it takes some discipline, it takes a commitment, it takes consistency. And you have all of that in you. You just have to decide and then you just start, and there is no rush. You just do it a little bit every day until you get there. Even though there is no there, there is an end of the year where we can take stock and look at our progress. And I love just looking at my progress.

I was coaching a client today about how important it is to notice how far we’ve come and to give ourselves so much credit for that. And the more I practice this habit, the more I like myself. And the more I like myself the more abundance I create in my life because it’s all here, it’s already here. It’s already there for you. You just have to see it. You just have to know that you’re worthy of it and that’s it’s already all been given to you.

And once you can get in the habit and in the daily practice of like Mel Robbins says high fiving yourself every morning in the mirror and being able to look at yourself, look at yourself in the mirror and look into your eyes and love yourself with a deep honest, compassionate true love, that changes everything. And that’s just a practice, that’s a habit that you have to build yourself. It’s totally up to you, it’s totally up to me.

And that’s really the best gift we can give to the world is to love ourselves, to accept ourselves, to validate ourselves in the second half of life because we deserve it. We’ve always deserved it we just didn’t know how to do it. And I’m here to keep being the example of that because, man, it has changed me, man, it has changed my life. I used to really want to be liked and want to fit in.

And no one ever really taught me how to love myself or even gave me the permission, or the example of it, because of course the women in the generation ahead of me, ahead of you guys, they weren’t given permission either. It was a man’s world and now we know better. Now we know differently. And it really is up to us, which is the best news ever, that I get to get up and decide every day what my life looks like and what I want. I get to decide that. I get to create that for myself. You get to decide that, and you get to create that for yourself.

It is no longer beneficial for us to fit in. We don’t need to be invited and included to know how valuable and how amazing we are. So there are practices, there are mindset shifts, there are thoughts that are hindering our ability to like ourselves and to love ourselves. And so because of that we long to fit into maybe a group of women so that we can validate who we are. And we can find women who like us. And all that’s fine, I guess but our real work, the biggest challenge, what takes the most courage is to decide, I don’t want to fit in anymore.

And I really did decide that five years ago. I just don’t want to fit in anymore. I’m really bored with fitting in. I’m really bored with groups of people that I’m seeking out or that I am maybe changing myself for, or I don’t know. I’ve just loved the experience this last five years really of going it solo, going it on my own, discovering who I am and really truly who I really want to be, who I want to become because we are all becoming someone in the second half of life.

And it doesn’t help anybody if we’re playing small, it really doesn’t. So we really want to grow into the next highest version of ourselves. And the way we do that is by thinking differently about who we are. I think different thoughts about myself now than I’ve ever thought before. I know who I am, and I know where I’m headed. I am very confident in who I am, and I really like who I am. And so if someone doesn’t like me I’m literally okay with that and I think they might even be confused. They might even be wrong. That’s what I think because they just don’t know me.

But the thing is, is that also I’m okay that I’m not for everyone. Remember, I told you the story of the peach, not everyone’s going to like peaches. And maybe I’m just a full blown peach. And I love peaches, so I’m happy to be a peach but I know that not everyone likes peaches. And I am so okay with that, in fact I’m even better that not everyone likes me. And I’m not really even sure who they are because I really don’t even think about them. I don’t give any airtime really to anybody’s negative opinions of me because I don’t really even think about that anymore.

There’s really no thoughts. So we give airtime to the things we’re thinking about, that’s why I love to think on purpose. That’s why I love to write down the thoughts that matter to me, and that are useful for me, and that are getting me where I want to go. And I know I keep telling you that over and over but because I am a coach for women in the second half of life I know our main struggles. I know that this is a thing, we’re so consumed with what other people are thinking about us when really I really want us to be consumed with what we’re thinking about us.

And usually it’s what we think other people are thinking about us. So if we think other people are thinking negatively about us it’s because we’re thinking negatively about us. And those are the thoughts I really want you to become aware of so that you can stop thinking them. I know you think that they’re just facts but they’re not, they’re just thoughts.

So we get to just transform our lives day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month by choosing using more useful thoughts about ourselves, more helpful thoughts, more loving thoughts, more kind thoughts, more confident thoughts which is kind of amazing that we get to do this, and we really do. So instead of spending our energy trying to fit into groups of people. I want you to spend your energy on loving yourself, on doing what you want and making yourself happy. And when you start doing that you become a more confident version of yourself.

And when you become a more confident version of yourself you really start loving the way that you show up in the world. And when you love the way you show up in the world your life gets more expansive, it get more optimistic, it gets more positive. It’s so attractive and then you attract a different kind of people to you. And those people don’t need you to fit in with the way that they’re thinking. They just love you for who you are. And when people love you for who you are, those are your people. Those are people worth investing in.

So just like I tell you, or I’ve told you about my relationship with Jeff and how I just really love the marriage I’m in. We’ve been married, we celebrated 38 years last year. So we’re, what does that mean, are we headed to our 39th? Yeah, our 39th year. And we dated for years even before that, So we have been together forever since we were 17 and 18. And so we really did grow up together. And we have reinvented our marriage over, and over, and over again.

And we got married and we were counseled and told that his job as my husband is to make me happy. My job as his wife is to make him happy. And we tried that for a long time. And it worked periodically, sometimes he figured it out and made me happy. And sometimes I figured it out and made him happy. But really, truly the best thing we ever did was I just decided, you know what? You’re not that good at making me happy. This is my job to make me happy. So the best decision I ever made was to stop waiting for him to meet my needs.

And I just decided, I’m going to meet my needs, but to do that, to make myself happy and to not fit in anymore, I really did have to work so much on letting go of what other people are thinking about me, and not give that any more airtime in my head. And I practiced it, and practiced it, and practiced it. And I have made so much progress that I rarely think about what anyone else is thinking of me. I am just very concerned with my happiness, my own wellbeing, my own energy that I bring to the world. And then I show up as a more robust, which that’s my new word that I love.

A more robust, a bolder, bold is my word for 2023 as well, a braver version of myself. Maybe even a little eccentric version of myself because I have spent 61 years following all the rules and there are so many rules that are so dumb. I remember thinking, well, you can’t really have long hair when you’re 50, when you’re past 50 because then you kind of look like you’re trying to be young, or you look like a maiden. I don’t know. I don’t know. There are all these kind of rules, you really can’t have long hair past 50, or that’s what I thought. Maybe I’m making this up, but you know what I’m talking about.

Now I’m like, “Oh my gosh, I’m going to have the longest hair.” Long hair for me is so much fun. And remember that old rule, I grew up with the rule and you guys probably remember it too. You can’t wear white past Labor Day. And then who made that rule up? Who cares? I’m going to wear white all the time. I’m going to wear white year round. That’s my new rule. So instead of fitting in, I am standing out forever. I am going to wear what I want to wear. I am going to do what I want to do. I’m going to say what I want to say.

I’m going to have my long white hair forever because I think it’s so fun, so cool, so beautiful and it’s so me. And I just want to stand out as the brightest, most beautiful Kym Showers that I can be. I no longer want to fit into any group or anyone’s idea of what I’m supposed to be, or who I’m supposed to be, or what I’m supposed to look like. I don’t care about anyone else’s opinion of me other than mine.

And I want you to feel the same way about you because it’s so much better for the world when you are the you, as most brightest, beautiful you, bravest, boldest, most robust you, you can be. No more fitting in. No one wins when you play small, when you’re a chameleon, when you’re trying to fit in with what other people are telling you, you need to be. I want you to be you. And I want to know the you as you, the most honest you, the most robust, and brave, and bold you that you can be. It is so valuable to me and to the rest of the world.

And I’m telling you guys, this is the decade of women. This is the season of women in the second half of life. We are the wisest. We are the most valuable. Let’s just show up big and help be as helpful as we can be. And the only way we can do that is to learn how to love, to value ourselves, to show ourselves the utmost respect, to hold ourselves in the highest regard, with the highest esteem, to treat ourselves that way in our head and in our heart, in our homes. To show up for ourselves and do every single thing that we’ve ever dreamt of doing.

It’s totally up to us, it’s all available to us, I’ve never been more excited to be a 61 year old woman than I am right now, and I want you to feel the exact same way about you and your life. Alright, that’s a deal.

Okay, that’s what I have for you today. I love you all so much. Hey, and if you have worked with me in the past, I want to invite you to the next group that I’m starting February 1st. It will be on Wednesdays at 1.00pm California time. It will be a very deep, powerful group. If you’re working on getting anything off the ground in your business, or if you’re wanting to write a book, or start a podcast. If you have any kind of business goals, any kind of business dreams that you would like to get off the ground, like to launch this year, this is your group.

Also if you have relationships that you’d like to work on, if you have a marriage you’d like to work on, if you have grown kids and you’d like to let go of worrying about them, this is the group you want to be in. If you have been a client of mine in the last four years this group is exclusively, specifically for you. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it again, but this is a group that will be capped at 10 women.

And I really want you to be in this group. We’re going to have so much fun together and you will be included in my spring in person retreat in Shell Beach, California at my home. It will be in May, and I’ll give you all the specifics later. But I would really love for you go on my website and get signed up for that group. And I’ll get you a workbook in the mail to you and contact you immediately. Okay my loves, have the best week and I will talk to you all next Thursday.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.