Ep 49. Teach People How to Treat You

I am Kym Showers, and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 49: Teach People How to Treat You.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own wellbeing and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s gonna be fun. Let’s go.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the show. How are you today? This is a beautiful foggy kind of a marine layer morning at my house and it’s my favorite. I love these cozy mornings in the middle of the summer. Well, actually what is it? It’s towards the end of August already. And I think some of those kids might be back at school already. I’m not in the school mode anymore so I don’t really know for sure, but I think some kids are back to school. So happy back to school for you mamas that are kind of jumping back in the busyness of what school days mean.

So that’s very exciting, I like back to school time. So today I’m going to talk to you about how we teach people how to treat us. I mean we’ve heard this so much and I know you have too. But I like to think of it as an empowering thought, an empowering way to live and to be in the world. So, it’s not about controlling other people, it’s about setting the standard for myself. It’s the way I treat myself, that’s what teaches people how to treat me. It’s the way that I’m being, it’s what I’m available for. So, I like to say when one boat rises, all boats rise.

So, I’m just going to be the boat that keeps rising. So, for example, I’m going to give you three ideas today on teaching people how to treat you. If you don’t like the way some people treat you, you can teach them how to treat you in a better way. Let’s say it’s your husband, let’s say sometimes you don’t like the way your husband treats you. And I’m telling you it’s up to you to change that by the way that you treat yourself.

So, idea number one for you today is to stop being mean to you. Stop being mean to yourself. And we’re mean to ourselves, and we don’t even know it because our brain thinks thoughts automatically that are unkind, that are belittling, that are limiting, and we don’t even realize it.

So, I read this book called The Gap and The Gain G-A-I-N written by, I think, Dan Sullivan. And who’s the other guy? Dr. Benjamin Hardy. So, if you haven’t read that book or heard of this idea, the gap, and the gain I’m going to tell you a little bit about what I learned about myself and how this idea has helped me in my thinking.

So, there’s gap thinking, G-A-P gap thinking which means kind of what our brain does on default that we’re unaware of just how we’re lacking, what hasn’t gone right, how we’ve screwed up, how we haven’t shown up for ourselves in the way that we hoped we would. All the ways that we’re not a good mom, not a good wife, not a good human. So, our brain’s really good at helping us remember those things about ourselves, how we’re lacking. That’s gap thinking. Even in our past, so we have this past story about ourselves, the things that we didn’t do that we really wanted to do.

The ways that we failed in our past and our brain is so good at attaching to those memories. And so, it just keeps reminding us in the present of all the ways we’ve failed in the past. That’s gap thinking.

Gain thinking, G-A-I-N thinking is all the things that we’ve done right, all the ways that we’ve persevered under pressure, thanking our past self for showing up in so many powerful ways that has set us up for the life we have today. That is gain thinking. So, there’s gap thinking and there’s gain thinking. And being kind to myself I like to just operate from gain thinking.

I keep training my mind to remember all the ways my past self has hooked me up for the life I have today. And that’s a very empowered position to operate from. That’s a very empowering energy to operate from. That’s a very positive energy to operate from. That’s what gives me the life I have right now that feels so good to me. That is gain thinking. That is not being mean to myself, that is being very kind, and generous, and positive, and open, and empowering. That’s giving me this gift of yes, you have got this my friend, you know what you’re doing.

You can create any single thing you want to because look at all the things you’ve created in your past. You’re right on track, baby. So, this is the way that I think about myself when my brain wants to try and drum up things that I didn’t do right. Totally fine, of course, if I failed in the past because I was supposed to, that doesn’t mean that I am going to fail now.

It means that I’ve learned my lessons and I’m going to keep moving forward and set my future self up for the best possible scenario by doing everything today that I promise myself I’m going to do, by showing up in a way that teaching people how to treat me very well because I am treating myself very well. So, idea number one, practice number one, tool number one for you today in teaching people how to treat you is to stop being mean to yourself and practice gain thinking instead of gap thinking. That is tool idea practice number one.

Tool idea practice number two for you is to learn how to treat yourself like the queen that you are. You are a queen, did you know this? I want you to start knowing this. I am a queen and I treat myself like a queen. So, I have certain practices, and certain disciplines, and certain agreements that I make with myself every single day. I treat myself so well. I expect the best from myself and therefore I expect the best from life. I just show up as the queen in my life. I am the CEO of my life, I am the boss of my life. That teaches other people how to treat me that way.

So, I have great boundaries in my life. I am available only for discussions, and conversations, and energy that is very extremely respectful. Okay, so I’m thinking of examples. I’m going to give you, I have several, so I’m going to give you this example of what I just required when we went on vacation a week ago. So, we went on vacation with my husband’s family, and it was so fun and so beautiful. And I loved every single minute of it. And my mother and father-in-law who are really kind of exceptional. They are in their early 80s. They live a very incredible life.

And they have overcome a lot in their lives. I love their story. I love who they are. I watch them live their life on their own terms and it’s for me, it is inspiring for me and motivating for me. And they have been very successful in their life as a married couple and then just in the way that they live. So, they invited, there is 25 to 30 of us and they invited us on this vacation. And we go on vacation in Santa Barbara which was super convenient for Jeff and I because we just live an hour and 15 minutes away by car to Santa Barbara.

They paid for all of our hotel rooms in this beautiful hotel right across the street from the water, a really good location. And the last vacation we went on I had requested a suite for Jeff and I. They took us to Hawaii four years ago, they took us all to Hawaii. And I requested a hotel suite because I wouldn’t want to go on a vacation without being in a hotel suite. So, I requested that and said, absolutely, we would pay for the extra amount. And then not only that is my mother and father-in-law pay for all of us to fly.

And I also requested that we fly first class. They flew first class and then everyone else they bought everyone else coach tickets, but they bought Jeff and I first class tickets and we paid the difference, and it was so fun. So, I just want you to know our brain wants us to think, well, gosh, no one else is getting this, why should we get this? My brain wants to do that too and even my husband’s brain wants to do that. But I’m like, “No, we can afford this. I can afford to fly first class. I can afford a suite.”

And if I’m going to go on vacation for a week that’s what I want to do. And I don’t think I’m better than anyone else, absolutely do not. But I do know what I enjoy. And I will enjoy the week so much more if I have a suite and if I fly first class. And so, if I can, that’s what I’m going to say yes to. That’s what I’m going to request, that’s what I’m going to get. So, this last trip I requested a suite, they got us a suite.

But then I also requested that Jeff have a sleeping room because the suite they got us did not have an extra sleeping room in it. It just had a beautiful living room and one big king size bed. So, I said, “Hey, we’re happy to pay for it, would you mind when you’re making the reservations to get Jeff his own room to sleep in?” And they said, “Of course.” So that’s how we spent the week. Not only did I have my own suite, but Jeff had his own room with an ocean view that was beautiful. And we both just had the best week. But I was really clear about what I wanted.

I was very clear about the request I made, not because I think I’m better than or not because I think that everybody else doesn’t deserve that too but that’s not my responsibility. My responsibility is to take care of myself, and I absolutely do. Can you see that? Can you see what happens when I’m clear, and direct, and I’m the queen of my own life, I’m the boss of my own life? And I go and get exactly what I want, not because I’m better than but because this is the way that I choose to live.

So, I want to give you permission to do that as well. I want you to notice where you’re not being the queen of your own life and you’re playing small because you’re afraid of what people are going to think of you if you request something that no one else is requesting. I want to give you permission to request the thing that you want. Not because you’re better than but because you are you being the queen and boss of your own life. Because you want to love the life that you’re creating. And you get to be the example of that. I am the example of that, and it is so much fun.

I deserve it and you deserve it, and everybody deserves it. When one boat rises with the tide all the boats rise with the tide. I want you to be the example of being a queen in your own life. I’m going to be the example of being the queen in my life and what that looks like. I get to show up every day in this energy that is so lifegiving.

So, I’m clear, I’m direct, I go, and I get exactly what I want. And then I create an amazing, happy, energetic, revitalized experience for myself, not only on my vacation but in my everyday life. I want you to start doing the same thing. It takes confidence. It takes being clear about what you want. And then it takes courage to step up and ask for what you want. So that’s idea tool practice number two, practice being the queen of your life. Practice being the boss and the CEO of your life. Imagine what that looks like, what you’re available for and what you’re not available for.

Idea number three in teaching people how to treat you is to treat yourself with discipline and then everybody else will do the same. So, if you’re in the practice of gossiping about people, of being unkind about people who you think are being unkind about you, of calling people names to their face who have called you names to your face. So, this takes discipline to rise above all of that nonsense. You are not available to respond in kind when people are unkind to you. If people are being mean to you, you walk away from it.

You are not, if people are yelling at you or saying unkind words to you, you walk away from it. You do not respond in kind. You stop doing that. If people are talking about you, you just refrain from talking about them. You just notice the behaviors of people living in low energy and you do not live like that anymore. You rise above that. It takes discipline. It takes intention. You stop gossiping.

So, I can’t tell you how much this has just that discipline in my life has changed my life. I stopped gossiping years ago. I do not engage in it. And because I don’t engage in it I do not attract people or groups of people to me who are in the habit of gossiping about other people, who are in the habit of berating other people, who are in the habit of complaining about other people. So that’s all gossip is, is complaining about how other people are doing it wrong. And the way that I think about other people is I don’t think they’re doing it wrong. I think they’re right on track with who they are.

And I have so much compassion for people who are unhappy or for people who are gossiping, and thinking that other people are creating their suffering because other people do not create our suffering, you guys. We create our own suffering by the thoughts that we think. And if we’re teaching people how to treat us well, we are not open, we are not available, we are not engaged in complaining about other people. We have disciplined ourselves, we are disciplined in our mind, we hold ourselves to a higher standard than that.

We do not argue with people. I do not engage in social media. I do not argue with people in real life, nor do I argue with people on social media. I just delete, block, unfollow. I will not engage in that. If people come on my page and want to tell me I’m doing it wrong, I delete, block, disengage. I mean they can think I’m doing it wrong, but I’m not open to conversations like that especially with people I do not know. If people are going to criticize me, and complain about me, and they just don’t like me, totally fine. I think they should.

But I will not engage in any of those conversations with any people, not in my real life and definitely not on social media. So that’s my standard for me. And you know why? Because I think more highly of myself than that, I do not want to be that kind of person. I do not want to attract those kind of people in my life. So, I discipline my mind, I discipline my emotions and I show up in a way that I’m proud of because I’m never proud of that. If I’ve engaged in name calling, or arguing, or any of that I always regret it.

And I haven’t had that regret in so long because I have great boundaries, because I am very disciplined in the way that I show up in the world. So, this is why I have a life coach, if I want to complain I complain to her and to her only. And it is so helpful to me, and I never regret that because she helps me take responsibility for all of it. It’s all on me. And I love that, I got me. So, all it is, is thoughts in my head that I can change if I want to, and I always want to change that.

If I’m complaining about someone else in my head, I know it’s only my thoughts. I know it’s not them, I know it’s me. And I take responsibility for that, and I love that about myself. And that’s what I love about coaching. That’s the power of coaching because it’s never them. It’s always me. That’s the highest most powerful version of myself. That’s how I teach people how to treat me.

And for the most part you guys, because I don’t engage in that way ever, and I don’t gossip about people ever, I draw people around me who treat me very, very well, who say yes to me when I make requests. And that goes for not only my family but my friends and even strangers. I just draw people who are treating themselves well in the highest regard and who are just on a different playing field than people who are gossiping, and whining, and complaining. I do not even spend time with them, with people like that.

So, it is the way that I am being that teaches people how to treat me. So, I want you to know that about yourself. If you are complaining, I want you to know that, don’t be mean to yourself about it. I just want you to become aware of it so you can discipline yourself to stop doing that. If you are whining, I want you to be aware of that so that you can discipline yourself to stop doing that. If you are complaining, gossiping about other people, I want you to be aware of that.

If you are gossiping because other people are gossiping about you, I want you to be aware of that and to stop doing that. It doesn’t matter how other people are behaving, I want you to behave in a different way. And then you’re going to draw people around you who treat you so much better. That’s how we teach people how to treat us by treating ourselves so well, by disciplining ourselves to play on a higher playing field. If someone is being disrespectful to you, you do not be disrespectful back. You walk away. You show them love, compassion, kindness and walk away.

So that’s what I have for you today. I want you to realize that you are 100% teaching people how to treat you by the way you are treating yourself. So, the answer to that is to treat yourself like a queen, be disciplined, show up in a way that you’re proud of. And that is the most fun, most empowered life and you will set your future self up to live a much more abundant life than even what you have today.

So, we’re changing our thinking from gap thinking, from what’s going wrong, what went wrong in the past to gain thinking, what is going right and what has gone right in the past that has set us up to live a more empowered life today. And how we can set our future self up by living a more empowered life right in the present. The way that we’re thinking matters more than anything else and we discipline ourselves to treat ourselves like a queen, by doing everything we said we’re going to do.

So, we decide what kind of life we want to have, and we say no to everything that isn’t that. Okay my friend, doesn’t that sound amazing and fun? And if you want more help with that, I want you to sign up for my next small group that starts Wednesday September 14th, which is right around the corner, group coaching is everything. It is so powerful. It’s so fun. You’ll become kindred spirits with the other women in the group. You will see that you’re not alone. In fact, we’re all the same.

And you will get every single thing you came for and you will learn how to treat yourself like a queen. And then all of your relationships will uplevel. So go to my website, sign up for that group. If you want to start your coaching journey with one-on-one, I have a spot for you that’s available to you as well. And we’ll get started today, the minute you sign up I will send off your workbook in the mail and you will learn all the tools that you need to learn to reinvent your life and to get the future that you are dreaming of, and it can start today.

Alright, I love you so much for showing up today. Share this podcast episode with anyone that you know it will benefit. I hope it was very encouraging, inspiring, motivating for you and I know it was for me. I love these three feelings of being inspired, motivated, challenged and I hope that’s what it was for you today. I love you, have the best week and I will see you next Thursday.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.