Ep 2. Stay in Your Own Lane

I’m Kym Showers and this is Reinvented After 40, episode two, Stay in Your Own Lane.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own well-being and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s gonna be fun. Let’s go.

Hello, friends, and welcome back to the podcast. I’m recording this on Saturday afternoon. And Saturdays are just the best, aren’t they? Jeff and I, on Saturday mornings, we like to sleep in a little bit. I’m not a big sleeper-inner. Like, I slept till 5:30 this morning and that felt awesome to me, and I’m always just ready to get up.

So, and then we walk across the street to our big mountain that’s directly across the street from us, and it’s our favorite hike. And we hike our mountain. And then we come home, and I make us a big, scrambled egg breakfast, but it’s all fresh vegetables. It’s a vegetable scramble with bacon and Bisquick pancakes with Log Cabin syrup.

It’s just the best. We love Saturdays so much. Usually, we have just kind of a big, long, open free day on Saturdays.

So, I’m standing here in my bedroom recording this podcast staring at the ocean, and it’s just a bright, blue sky with sparkly water and sailboats. So, I just want you to borrow this picture of this beautiful day over here from wherever you are. Hope you’ve had a great week. Hope this day is a great day for you.

And what we’re gonna talk about on the podcast today is how to stay in your own lane, and what that looks like, what that means. It’s actually just something I probably say a lot out loud. I’m always telling myself to stay in my own lane. I’ve practiced it for a long time. Just kind of staying in our own business when our mind wants to wander into other people’s business where it doesn’t belong. Right?

So, the idea will be like a pillar for you moving forward in this reinventing-of-your-life project that you’re on. It’s a practice and a mindset to stay in your own lane that will serve you well. It will conserve your energy. It is just definitely one of my favorite practices.

I say this all the time because it is a powerful thought and I want you to borrow it from me. It’s a reminder to your brain when it’s somewhere it doesn’t belong and when it’s creating drama about the future or drumming up any regrets in your past. None of that is useful, and that really isn’t staying in your lane. That’s not anything you have control of.

When your brain is worrying about your kids and their choices and just kind of creating a lot of drama and making you want to kind of insert your opinion into their life without them even asking for it, you’re not staying in your own lane. And I will always redirect you back to your lane.

If your kids are grown up—if they’re adults—they are not your business. They’re just here for you to love and to enjoy. Okay? And for you to be an example of what’s possible when you’re your age. They aren’t here for you to keep parenting them. Right? They don’t need you to parent them. You get to just be their mom and get to love and enjoy them. That’s it. Right? So, come back to your life and let your kids swim in their own lane and live their own life. That’s what’s best for everyone. Okay?

And then also, with your husband. Even though you’re married, you guys have two separate lanes. He has his business. Right? He has his thoughts, his feelings, his actions, and you have yours. And remember: you’re not here to make each other happy. He’s here to create a life he loves. You’re here to create a life you love. And when you guys are together, it is a great time. So, his lane is for him, and you need to stay out of it. All right?

Your brain will want to jump in it. Your brain will want to complain about him and how he’s doing it wrong and how he could be doing everything so much better. None of your business. Right? It’s just wasted energy, wasted thoughts. Come back to your own lane.

Also, with your friends. Your brain will want to judge your friends and make your friends’ actions mean something about you, or their inactions mean something about you.

Also, when your brain is wanting to judge your friends or criticize your friends or make your friends’ actions or inactions mean something about you, right? That is none of your business. Our friends are here for us to love and to enjoy. They are doing it all right.

When your brain is criticizing the weather or the government or the general state of the world, come back to your lane. Get out of all of that nonsense. Right? Stay in your own lane. Stay in your own business. Take care of the things you can take care of.

Remember that your brain likes to drum up drama. It likes to focus on what’s wrong with everyone, what’s wrong with everything, and then what’s wrong with you. This is not helpful at all.

This is why we practice thought work. When we learn to manage our mind, we can shift our brain away from things that are not our business. And away from things we have zero control of. And away from thoughts that are not helpful. Or thoughts that are not useful.

We can focus it back to the here and now and get busy taking care of our own responsibilities in our own life. We can think thoughts on purpose that feel better. The way that I found to help me do this is the discipline of staying in my own lane. Staying in my own business and focusing on what’s my responsibility. Getting out of everyone else’s.

When you get good and practiced at it, you reach your goals so much faster with much more energy and clarity and a lot less drama. When you want to change and grow and become your highest, truest, best self, you’ve got to think different thoughts than you’re thinking now. You must become aware of the thoughts your brain is offering you that are distracting you from your own work. It’s a practice and a mindset that will be helpful and keep you creating a life you love.

I learned this concept of staying in my own lane best through competitive swimming, so that’s how I’m gonna illustrate it for you today. I started swimming on the swim team my first year in high school and swam all four years, and then have been swimming on and off my entire life. It taught me how to stay focused and disciplined and how to do hard things, even when I didn’t feel like it.

I would say it was my most challenging activity, and probably still is when I put my swim cap and goggles on and jump in to swim laps. But definitely during high school, it taught me skills that I am still benefitting from today. It was very challenging.

Dark, freezing cold workouts early in the morning before school started. Sometimes double practices—morning and afternoon. Hundreds of hours. I am not exaggerating. Swimming lap after lap after lap. It was brutal, but for some reason, I did it and ended up loving it.

It changed me and gave me the ability to know I could get good at anything I wanted to if I stuck with it. It gave me the confidence to believe that hard things are always for my good, and I can even choose hard things when I want to.

So, for you guys, I invented three rules that I learned from my high school swim team to offer you today. These are rules that I live by to help me stay in my own lane and create a life I love.

Rule number one: know which lane is yours and do your best in that lane. So, freshman year, I had to learn the basics. I had no idea what they were. I had to learn new strokes and the proper way to execute them.

I had to learn the rules of the pool as well. The lanes were numbered. My coach would tell me which number my lane was so I could get behind the correct starting block and dive into the correct lane. There was zero confusion. I paid attention, I understood which lane was mine, and I dove into that lane, and I swam in that lane.

I didn’t judge the lane. I didn’t criticize the lane. I didn’t think someone had a better lane than me. I didn’t think I was slower because of the lane. I didn’t wish I was in someone else’s lane. I didn’t argue about the lane. There was no drama about the lane. The lane was neutral. The only thing that mattered was that I knew which lane was mine and that I did my best in that lane.

It’s the same for us now. We must decide what lane is ours. We must know what starting block to step up on every day. We must dive into that lane and start swimming as best we can. It’s pretty clear and simple. It’s the same with your life. These are your circumstances. This is your reality. This is your life. This is your lane. All you have to do is dive in and do your best in your lane.

Rule number two: roll out the ropes and make it simple. All competitive-sized swimming pools have blue lines painted at the bottom from one end to the other to define the lanes. These blue lines are helpful for us swimmers to keep us headed in the right direction. I was familiar with the lines because I grew up swimming in that community pool as a kid.

But when I joined the swim team, it was my very first time swimming between the ropes in the pool. The blue line was helpful, but it certainly didn’t keep us from accidentally drifting out of our lane. We always rolled out the ropes for practice and then we rolled out the ropes for swim meets.

I was very thankful for the ropes. The ropes were obviously helpful for me, because without them, I would definitely drift into other lanes and collide with other swimmers, which is a problem. Without them, I would annoy my teammates and get in their way and slow them down. Without them, I would waste my energy and swallow a bunch of water and never finish what I started. The ropes kept me in my lane. I couldn’t swim my race without them. I couldn’t reach my goal without them.

Ropes are like fences. Ropes are like boundaries. Ropes separate the swimmers. Ropes keep the race clean. Ropes provide a healthy team environment. Ropes provide clarity for all swimmers so there’s no confusion about who belongs where. Ropes are very difficult to cross. You have to be intent on getting out of your lane and crossing over a rope. You can’t act like it didn’t happen or that you didn’t know. You can’t act like it was an honest mistake.

You got to stay out of your teammate’s race. Let them do their thing. They do not need your assistance or your opinions or helpful ideas on how they should be swimming. They know what’s best for them. They have it. Stop crossing over ropes, venturing where you don’t belong.

Come back to your lane. Swim your own race. Stay between your own ropes. Focus on the finish line, not on the other swimmers. Roll out the ropes and keep it simple.

Rule number three: just keep swimming and don’t quit.

I’ll never forget the first year on that swim team. It was painful. I wanted to quit every single day. I was terrible at it. I swallowed gallons of water. I was freezing cold in a very not-cute swimsuit with an ugly swim cap and goggles on a daily basis.

I got zero recognition, you guys, because no one came to watch swim meets. I’m pretty sure I was the worst one on the team that first year. I don’t remember ever winning one race. I had pure white skin that couldn’t tan, covered in freckles, and to top it off, my red hair turned green from the chlorine.

I’m still surprised I did it and stuck with it. No one even made me. It was totally my choice. And as I think about my brave 15-year-old self, I’m so inspired. And I’m pretty sure she’s the reason I have the life I have now. She really hooked me up. She did a lot of hard things. She knew something then that gave her what she needed to keep swimming and to never quit. She had fire in her belly. She had a better kind of life in mind for herself and lots of determination. She’s my hero. She did a lot of hard things, so I’m very, very proud of her.

If she knew then what that mindset would create for her, I’m sure she would have a hard time believing it. It’s a little like a fairy tale. It’s a little unbelievable, but it’s how life works. We always reach our goals. We always live our dreams when we keep swimming and when we don’t give up.

So, rule number one… Let’s recap. “Know your lane and do your best.” In other words, get clear on what your business is and what your business isn’t.

Rule number two: “roll out the ropes and keep it simple.” In other words, set up personal boundaries so that you’re not wasting your energy and time in your husband’s business, in your kids’ business, or in your friends’ business.

Rule number three: “keep swimming and never quit.” In other words, eat a sandwich, take a nap, and get right back to work.

Remember these rules when you find yourself in other people’s business or thinking about what other people are doing or comparing yourself to someone else. Remember these rules when you’re worrying about your grown kids and wanting to offer unsolicited advice and thinking that you know what’s best for them. Remember these rules when you feel worn out and overwhelmed and feel like quitting.

You have a life to enjoy, my friends, and a dream to create and work to do. You can’t keep thinking the same thoughts over and over and expect different results. You can’t keep taking the same action and doing the same things over and over and expect different results.

You must be willing to think differently and act differently. Drop habits that are leaking your energy and are not getting you where you want to go. Stop gossiping. Stop trying to fix people. Stop worrying. Stop complaining. Stop thinking about what other people might be thinking about.

Stop swimming all over the pool, getting in everyone’s way, and wearing yourself out. It’s annoying and it’s unnecessary. You actually annoy yourself. We annoy ourselves when we act like this—when we’re in other people’s business, right? And it’s just keeping you from your best life experience.

Pay attention to you. Be an example of what it looks like to stay in your own lane. Get good at your particular stroke and create momentum in your life. Come back to you. Stay with you. Pay attention to your own thoughts. Pay attention to your own feelings. And pay attention to your own actions. Know yourself better than you know anyone else. Trust yourself more than you trust anyone else. And love yourself more than you love anyone else.

The world needs you to stay in your own lane and do your own work. It will give you the exact life you want to live, and that helps all of us. There’s only one you, and you are glorious. Be the you-est you you can be.

Maya Angelou said, “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” Staying in your own lane gives you the space and the freedom and the time and the energy to like yourself, and liking yourself is the way to success. I promise you. That’s my offering for you today, my friends. I love you so much for showing up, and I’ll see you next week.

To celebrate the launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away a few of my very favorite things to five lucky listeners who follow, rate, and review the podcast. And it doesn’t really have to be a five-star review, though, of course, I would be ever grateful. And I do hope you love the show. But I do want your honest feedback so I can create something awesome that provides a lot of value for you.

So, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com/PodcastLaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on the podcast in an upcoming episode.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.