Ep 43. Drama-Free Living

I am Kym Showers, and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 43: Drama-Free Living.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own wellbeing and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s gonna be fun. Let’s go.

Hello everyone, how are you today? Welcome back to my show. I’ve been thinking about how surprisingly easy and seriously powerful it is to live a drama free life. Or maybe I should say 99% drama free life. I think it’s possible and I am practicing living that kind of a life because what I know for sure is that none of our drama is created outside of us, people do not create drama for us. Our brain creates drama for us. We get dramatic about other people’s drama, that’s probably the most common thing that we do.

We react to our kids’ drama with drama. It might sound like, “You’re right honey, she shouldn’t have said those things to you.” Or it might look like, “I wish he would stop being so dramatic.” So, whether we agree with their drama and get dramatic with them, or we resist their drama and think that they shouldn’t have it, we think that they should stop being so dramatic but look what we’re doing. We’re being dramatic about their drama. And we don’t even realize we’re doing it. We’re trying to kind of just stop their drama with our own drama towards them.

So those are just a couple of examples. I want you to start noticing where you’re creating your own drama. I just want you to pay attention. I also want you to realize that all of our brains are working perfectly. We all have normal healthy human brains that catastrophize things, that are kind of dramatic because remember the motivational triad. Our brain just thinks it’s really important just to keep us safe, that things outside of us are dangerous.

So, our brain is motivated by seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, and conserving energy. So, when we look at our brain like that it’s not surprising when it’s fearful a lot, when it thinks thoughts that look like everything could possibly be a problem. So, our brain is a master problem solver, so our brain is always looking for a problem to solve. That’s its job. And we kind of just go along with it like there is a problem. There’s another problem. And then we just agree with our brain and our life is filled with problems and we perpetuate that.

Now, I don’t want to take your problems away from you if you want them. That’s fine. It you want to convince me that these are legitimate problems, 100% you get to live and think however you want but I like thinking the thought, it’s not a problem. I think that thought all the time. It’s not a problem. Whatever my brain is resisting, whatever my brain is making a problem, if my brain’s saying, “He’s doing it wrong, or they’re doing it wrong, or they screwed up, or I screwed up,” my number one go to thought that I have practiced now for three years is, it’s not a problem.

And we know that our thought creates our feeling. So, when I think it’s not a problem I have a very peaceful feeling and I show up to the circumstance in a very powerful way. And I get the exact results I want. If I don’t think there’s a problem I don’t make it a problem for myself. So that’s tool number one that I’m offering you today on your journey, if you want to live a drama free ish life, this is my tool number one. It’s my favorite thought that I’m offering to you to start practicing. It’s not a problem.

So, all day long you’re going to find yourself in situations, in circumstances where your brain is going to go, “Oh, this is a problem. I’m late. They’re late. She shouldn’t have said that. He did it wrong. It wasn’t what I expected. It didn’t turn out right.” These are thoughts that we think all day long, that we think makes a situation a problem. But instead of those thoughts I want you to go when your brain says, “Oh, he shouldn’t have done that, he shouldn’t have said that.” I want you to think the thought, it’s not a problem. It’s not a problem.

What if it’s not a problem? How do I want to think about it? Of course, he should have done that. Of course, she should have said that. Not a problem that he was late. It’s not even a problem that I was late. No more drama about our own drama, no more, no more of it. No more creating problems that never have to be a problem. You will release so much space in your brain, in your mind, in your day, you’ll have so much more energy to actually keep moving forward and being way more productive when you think the thought automatically, it’s not a problem.

And you get really good at that thought and believing that thought because you’re going to find evidence to prove that thought true. I like to think, how might everything be exactly the way it’s supposed to be, and nothing has gone wrong? Now, how do I want to think about this circumstance? How do I want to feel about it? And how do I want to show up? That’s how I think about things. I rarely react to anything, and I rarely accept anything as a problem.

So, for example, your husband doesn’t do what you think he should. And you automatically make that a problem because you’re absolutely so used to making it a problem. You feel frustrated. That’s your feeling because your thought is, this is a problem. He should have done this certain thing. You feel frustrated and then you yell at him. For example, let’s just say he’s supposed to take out the trash. That’s his only job every day for you, to help you. Take out the trash every morning.

You get up in the morning, he didn’t take out the trash and it’s just such a problem for your brain because your brain thinks he should have. So, you feel frustrated with that thought, he should have. You make it mean a lot of things like he doesn’t love you even because he didn’t take out the trash. You add drama to the so called problem and you feel very frustrated. And then you yell at him. And then the result is that you created, this is your model, you don’t do what you think you should have, and you know what that creates for you? Shame in you.

You show up to your life and your marriage in a way that you don’t like, and you blame him for it. And then you drop into a very familiar shame, blame, cycle, that’s very difficult for you to get out of and it lasts all day long. It derails you from everything you have planned that day. You go about your day with a negative energy, and you just feel stuck in the cycle. And I want to offer you today for sure 100% that you can drop out of the shame blame cycle in this pattern with your husband, by not making him wrong and not making you wrong.

He should be doing exactly what he’s doing. If he takes out the trash, great, totally appreciative. It he doesn’t take out the trash you can request it, not a big deal, it doesn’t mean anything about you and him as a couple. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, or that he loves you, or any of that. That’s just a lot of noise in your brain, that’s a lot of drama attached to a very familiar shame blame cycle. That’s when you say, “This isn’t a problem, I don’t need to make it a problem. I’m not a problem. He’s not a problem. I’m not going to shame myself and I don’t want to blame him.

How is this not a problem? It’s for sure not. Let’s stop making it a problem. That’s tool number one, favorite thought, this is not a problem.

Tool number two is edit your brain. So, I have certain disciplines in my life, in my brain particularly that I practice that creates and has created for me in the last three years especially, a very drama free life. That means it’s like I have little guardrails in my brain, that I just am very disciplined with. I don’t allow my brain to think about irrelevant things. So, I told you this, I like thinking of it like this. There’s God’s business, that isn’t my business. I know God’s got it all handled. That’s God’s business.

And then there is other people’s business. Other people’s business is not my business. They got a handle. They’re empowered to take care of their own business. I trust them, I love them enough and know that they’re living the exact life they’re supposed to be living, the exact life that they choose to live and that’s perfect. That’s their business. I’m not here to fix them and tell them how to live, that’s their business. So, there’s God’s business, there’s other people’s business and then there’s my business.

So, my brain is focused on my business only. I only think about my business. I’m clear about my priorities. I’m very clear about what my business is. That’s what I think about. So last week or a couple of weeks ago on my Instagram page I drew two pictures of two brains. I drew what a managed brain looks like and then I drew a picture of what an unmanaged brain looks like, a managed mind and unmanaged mind. So, the unmanaged mind looks like a mess. It’s packed with all kinds of stuff, and business that is unnecessary, lots of clutter.

In other words, an unmanaged mind is full of drama and that is a very exhausting life. It’s an unsatisfied life. So, the discipline for you is to edit your brain continually, declutter your brain. The discipline for you is to remove God’s business from your mind, God’s got it covered. Then remove other people’s business from your mind. Remove your kids’ business from your mind. Remove your husband’s business from your mind. Remove your friends’ and your in-laws business from your mind. They’ve got it. They can take care of their own business.

This is their life to live, you don’t know what’s best for them. You are not helping them when you’re trying to get in their business. So, when you remove God’s business and you remove other people’s business, what you’re left with is in your mind is your own business. And remember, your business is very clean and clear. You’ve got three things to think about, three clear dots and then a lot of empty space. What you have left is your business, you have three clear priorities in your life. You’ve got to know what they are and then you’ve got to work making them incredible.

So, for example, I clean up my brain often, daily actually. You know how I live, I tell you about it all the time, I just keep refocusing and recommitting, and getting rid of anything that is creating any drama or distraction from my goals, from my clear priorities. It’s kind of like how I treat my closet. I edit my closet often and what that does for me is it simplifies my mornings. I only keep in my closet my very favorite clothes, the clothes that I love, the clothes that fit me now and the rest I give away.

There is no drama when I edit my closet because I have these very simple guidelines. And you guys, if you could see a picture of my closet, I should just put it on my Instagram page, my closet is very clean and very simple. And it is not full. I don’t spend any extra time looking through a bunch of clothes that I never wear. I literally only keep a few things that serve me, a few things that I feel really good in, a few things that I wear all the time even if I’ve just purchased something and spent a lot of money on it in the last six months or a year and I never wear it.

I remove it from my closet and give it away, no drama. I just pass it on to someone else who will wear it and love it. And even if I love it but I don’t wear it I don’t keep it. It makes my life so much easier. I only keep what keeps me moving forward. And I do this with my closet every couple of months which is pretty often I think. And it’s become a great discipline in my life because it really does just make my decisions ahead of time. I don’t waste any of my energy deciding what to wear and I always feel really good in my clothes.

And you know I’ve told you that about just my exercise, no drama. It’s already there. It’s already a part of my everyday life. There’s no drama with my exercise. I just exercise every day. It’s just something I do. It’s like I get up and make my cappuccino every morning, no drama. It’s just something that I do. It’s like I sit down and record this podcast on Thursdays, no drama. It’s just something that I do. And I keep growing my capacity to do difficult things and to not make them a problem.

I keep growing my discipline to stay out of other people’s business and to just trust that they’ve got it covered which not only doesn’t take any energy from me, but also I build a healthier relationship with the people that I love the most because I’m not worrying about them. I’m not thinking that they can’t handle their life. I know 100% they can handle their life. So just me trusting them gives them almost empowerment to be able to handle whatever comes their way. So, I don’t disempower them by creating a lot of drama about anything that they think is a problem in their life.

I really don’t think that even the problems that my kids might think they have, or the problems that my husband might think he has, or any of my loved ones, I don’t see them as problems. I just think, that’s perfect for them, they can handle that. And that’s how I empower them. I don’t make a big deal about their issues because I don’t make a big deal about my issues, it’s part of our humanity. It’s part of being human in the world. We have stuff to overcome.

And the things that we overcome and the less drama we have the more we grow and evolve into our highest selves. And that’s what we want for our kids. That’s what we want for our spouse. That’s what especially we want for ourselves. We get to go first. We get to be the example of that. Drama free ish living is the way. So, the first tool that I offer you that I practice every single day and I’ve gotten so good at, and I 99% live a drama free life is my thought and belief is that this isn’t a problem. I just stop creating drama in my life.

I don’t resist what is. I just accept what is and move forward. What if this isn’t a problem, how would I show up? No drama there. My second tool is, I keep editing my brain like I keep editing my closet. I’ve three things in my brain. I know what my priorities are that are moving me forward to my best self, my future self, creating the exact life I want. I set my goals and that’s what I’m all about every single day. I want healthy relationships. I want to love myself in a very healthy powerful way. And I want to create an amazing business.

Those are my priorities. And I’m very clear about it. I’m clear about what God’s business is. God’s got it covered. I don’t take anything on. I’m very clear about what other people’s business is, they’ve got it covered. I don’t take anything on. And then I stay in my own lane, and I take care of my business, drama free. Like my closet, very simple. My closet has whites, and blacks, and denims, and then a few colorful dresses and that’s it. That’s what my brain looks like too, very simple, very drama free.

And then I know I’ve told you this story before, I can’t remember if I told you on a podcast, but I know I told this story on one of my posts on Instagram but I’m going to tell you again because it’s such a good illustration of what I’m talking about today. So, it’s an old proverb and I think it’s a Chinese farmer, I think it’s called the Chinese Farmer story and it’s pretty simple.

Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. And that evening all of his neighbors came running around and just in such a panic and said, “Oh my gosh, we’re so sorry Mr. Farmer, this is terrible news that your horse ran away. How unfortunate for you. You must be so miserable.” The farmer said, “No, I don’t see it as a problem. Maybe. We’ll see.” And he just went on his way doing his work. And the next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it.

Then a week later his son, the farmer’s son was out riding one of the horses. And his son fell off the horse and broke his leg. And all the neighbors came running over, “Oh my gosh, Mr. Farmer, how terrible, your poor son, he fell off the horse and he broke his leg. What a terrible, awful thing. We’re so sorry.” And the farmer just was calm, and he goes, “Maybe, we’ll see.” And then the next door army officers came through town looking to enlist all the younger men for the war. But they rejected his son because he had broken his leg and the farmer goes, “Hm.”

So, this story is so good because I think about all these neighbors as our brain. So, our brain is always trying to get us worked up about all the circumstances, like, this is a terrible thing that your horse ran away. What are you going to do? You should fret, you should go look for the horse. You should worry about it. This is terrible. Such a problem. But we can be like the farmer and just say, “Maybe, we’ll see. I’ve got a lot of other things to take care of. I’m not going to worry about the horse. We’ll just see what happens.”

And we don’t make it a problem. And then the next day the son falls off the horse and breaks his leg and then our brain goes, oh my gosh, this is terrible. And we just can either go one or two ways. We can go, “Yes, this is terrible,” and be like the neighbors. And go around telling everybody all the problems in our life. And my son broke his leg, and my horse ran away, and everything’s going wrong. We can be like that. We can agree with our brain whose very dramatic. Or we can say, “You know what, this really isn’t a problem. It’s okay, we know how to handle a broken leg. The leg will heal.”

We can be like the farmer and just stay calm, and confident, and productive, and take care of it and move forward and know that everything that happens even the horse running away, even the broken leg, this is what should have happened because it did. It does happen. This is our reality. So instead of pushing against it and fretting about it, and complaining about it, and making a lot of drama about it, we can just drop into, this is what’s happened, now how do I want to think about it? How do I want to feel about it? How do I want to show up?

How do I not make this such a big dramatic problem and waste a bunch of energy on something that I can easily take care of? Just give it space, give it time, and actually be in a position of holding space for a lot of feelings, negative feelings, and positive feelings. And don’t make any of those feelings a problem. You can feel frustration without reacting to it, without yelling at your husband. You can feel sad about your son’s broken leg without being dramatic about it and making it a problem. It’s okay.

I just want you to know that you can be completely in charge of your life. You do not have to react in any kind of drama to anyone else’s drama, ever. You can just be like the farmer, and go, “Maybe. And let’s wait and see. It doesn’t have to be a problem.” I’m telling you, I’ve gotten really good at this and I’m so proud of myself for it. And I really want you to start practicing it too because I want you to feel so proud of yourself too. I want you to realize that you’ll have so much more energy to actually stay in your own lane and create all of the goals that you know are inside of you to create.

And to just get busy with your own life and stay out of everybody else’s drama. You’ll be so surprised at how much happier and more productive you will be. I would love to help you with that. I’d love for you to be my next one-on-one client and get private coaching for six months. Or you have another choice, you can get in my group that is starting in September. The group thing, oh my gosh, you guys, is so magical. So, you have two options there and I’d love to work with you to help you create a life that is 99% drama free.

You will change every single thing about your life. You’ll be a lot more productive. You’ll be a lot more satisfied, a lot happier and 10 billion times more confident. You’ll be able to make decisions so quickly and so easily, and you just won’t buy into everybody else’s drama either. It’s a very empowered, very fun way to live. I can help you get there.

Okay, my friends, that’s what I have for you today. Share this podcast episode with your friends, anyone that you think it would be helpful and useful for. Thank you for showing up. I just adore you. I love all my listeners. I’m well over 25,000 downloads because of you and that’s so fun for me and such a great accomplishment for me.

So have the best week. Have a very drama free week for yourself. Remember, nothing has to be a problem that you don’t want to be a problem. It’s completely in your control. Be aware of your brain and just become friends with it and be okay with all of it. Nothing has to be a problem. Alright, I love you so much and I will see you next Thursday.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.