Ep 71. Don’t Get Hooked

I am Kym Showers, and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 71: Don’t Get Hooked.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own wellbeing and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s going to be fun. Let’s go.

Hey friends, welcome back to the podcast. I can’t believe it’s 71 episodes. I really can’t believe it. That’s so fun for me. Thanks for following along, thanks for being here every week, oh my gosh. So this episode I am wanting to explain something to you if you’ve never really thought about it this way. A few years ago I read Pema Chodron’s book called When Things Fall Apart. And I learned this little concept in her world which I’m such a fan of hers. The book helped me so much because no one likes when things fall apart.

The way that our brain works and especially us women who are wives, and moms, and daughters, and sisters, and friends, I mean we become so affected by everybody else’s circumstances, if we let ourselves. So when I say don’t get hooked, I got this getting hooked concept from this book by Pema Chodron, called When Things Fall Apart. And it has stuck with me, and it has been a very useful thought for me because getting hooked means taking on other people’s problems, taking on other people’s thoughts, taking on other people’s complaints and trying to fix something that isn’t ours to fix.

Well, this is my own definition of it. So it has helped me stay in my own business and in my own constrained thinking. And because I don’t get hooked and I don’t really talk about, you know how I’m just not a gossiper. So if someone’s having a problem with someone else I just stay out of it. I don’t really get involved in other people’s drama ever at all. It’s very, very rare that I do. And if I do, I’m more, just kind of take it from a coach’s perspective. I just hold space for the way that they’re thinking about it and maybe the way that they’re complaining about it.

And I just hold space to let them have their own thoughts and feelings about it, but I definitely don’t take them on. I don’t necessarily agree. It’s never useful for me to do that and that’s why I stopped gossiping really truly, it’s such like a distraction from my own work in the world when I get involved in other people’s drama. And I really want you to start paying attention and noticing how often your brain really wants to get hooked on other people’s complaints, other people’s drama, other people’s problems.

Your brain thinks all of that is really important and I’ll tell you why. It’s a distraction from what you need to be working on. It’s a distraction from your own responsibilities in your own life. So it’s so much easier to think about how we can help someone else fix their problems. But I promise you, by the time you’ve spent all your energy trying to fix someone else’s problems they’re onto all kinds of new problems. So those problems with people that are constantly talking, and constantly in drama, and constantly having problems, they believe their brain, they believe that everything’s a problem for them.

So many problems and because of this work I just rarely think of anything as a problem anymore. So my brain doesn’t really light up when other people have drama. It’s more like, I’m just going to stay clear of that, I’m not going to get hooked by that. So I also know how to constrain my thoughts. I also am very in charge of my brain now.

So when my brain wants to get hooked and take me away from the present moment, and then I get that feeling in my body like that feeling of worry like this could be a problem, or this is a problem and what could happen, my brain really wants to get me revved up about that. But once I kind of come back online and realize what I’m doing because usually it’s more of an unconscious or an unaware moment that I’m having, where I’m just kind of lost in thought, I bring myself back to the present moment. I literally tell my brain, “We’re not getting hooked on that. That isn’t a problem for us. That isn’t something for us to solve.”

That’s what I say to myself and then I’m back in the present moment and I get refocused on what I really want to think about. So this has been very helpful for me and along with not getting hooked, I really want you to consider the fact and the truth that the rhythm of life is truly that things fall apart and then things come back together. And then things fall apart again and then things come back together. And I’m not talking about on a daily basis which but just overall kind of like the waves of the sea. That’s just the rhythm of life. There’s no getting around that.

And what we can do to accept it, be aware of it first, accept it second, as this is just part of our human experience and that nothing has gone wrong, this is the rhythm of life. When we can accept it with grace and then what it is here to teach me, and how can it make me better? How can this falling apart make me better? Who do I want to be in this season of falling apart? And who do I want to emerge from it when the season’s over?

That’s how I like to think about my life, things fall apart, and things come back together. That’s the natural rhythm of my life and it’s all fine, it’s all a beautiful work for me. So nothing has grown me more than when things fall apart, that’s just the fact. I could go back and tell you detailed descriptions of the times when I ‘have said’ things fell apart in my life. Things that I was very attached to, and relationships I was attached to, outcomes I was attached to, that didn’t work out, that just ended.

And I think we would all call that when things fall apart. So I want you to know it’s supposed to be that way. Things come together and things fall apart, can be with relationships, it could be with business, it can be with your health, just about anything. And now what? Now who do I want to be in this? And what kind of perspective do I want to have and what’s the story I want to tell myself about it and do I want to complain about it.

Or do I want to accept it with grace, and love, and power actually, and even mourn it, mourn it as long as I need to mourn it and then get right back up and carry on? And that’s who I am. That’s how I’ll always be. Because of the times when things have fallen apart and because I’ve done this work of becoming a stronger woman, becoming more resilient, becoming more loving and kind to myself.

And in turn becoming more loving and kind to the people around me, not being so attached to the results of my life, but more involved in the journey of it, the process of it, has been extremely rewarding for me, has been so life giving for me. So I rarely get hooked with negative thoughts. I rarely get hooked on thoughts like this is a disaster, this is a problem to be fixed. But more instead of getting hooked there and getting lost in that and getting sick about it, which is not useful, and getting involved in other people’s issues, other people’s relationships, trying to ‘fix’ their life.

And I’m speaking to all of us moms, I’m speaking to all of us as wives, as partners, I’m speaking to all of us as daughters, as friends. Other people are not in our life for us to fix their problems, absolutely not. Their problems are to teach them. It doesn’t do them any good if we are so involved in their life that we’re trying to fix their problems. I believe and what has served me so well is when I just take responsibility for my own life and whatever ‘problem’s’ I have and not blame anybody else for them.

But own it all, I’m just owning my entire life experience a 100% of the time and making my life absolutely beautiful even though it’s still a human life that falls apart and comes back together, and then falls apart again, and comes back together. That’s just it. I’m just going to own the whole experience of it because it makes me a beautiful woman. And I don’t blame anybody else for anything that’s going on in my life, I literally don’t. And that’s another thing that our brain wants to do.

And that’s another hook that can really get in our way of growing, of creating a life that we absolutely love, is that we get so hooked on trying to blame someone else for the way that we’re feeling. That’s a hook for us. That’s a problem for us. It’s just such a distraction from our own wellbeing, our own growing, our own responsibility in creating a life we absolutely love. So there is a way to get unhooked, you just get to decide that, I’m not going to blame them anymore, this is not for them to fix. My life is mine and I own it all.

No matter if you’ve been through whatever you’ve been through. Your most powerful moment is when you start practicing this, is that you just own your life experience and you unhook yourself from blaming anyone else or shaming yourself, you just get unhooked from that. You just own it with love and compassion. You’re like, okay, this is my life now, what do I want it to look like moving forward? How do I want to think about it? What’s the story I want to tell about it? How do I want to talk about my life and the people that I love?

I will never be a complainer. I will never be someone that gossips about someone else. I will always be the woman that takes the higher road because that’s who I want to be and actually that’s who I am. I am very trustworthy. My people can trust me, whether they think they can or not, I don’t even know if they think they can. But because I trust myself so much I love who I am in all of my relationships. I know that my people can trust me.

And here is the other thing that I’ve learned, you guys, that’s been so helpful for me is I really don’t get too caught up in, well, I can’t trust them. Let’s say someone’s lied up to me, I don’t get too caught up in that. I don’t blame them for the lie really. I’m just like that’s curious. I wonder what it must be like for them, and I wonder why they lied to me. And then I just come back to trusting myself. That was just information for me. I’m not going to get hooked on I’m mad at them for lying to me or get hooked on they shouldn’t have lied to me. They absolutely should have if that’s what they did.

I don’t resist what is, I accept what is. This is how it is, now who do I want to be here? So that’s helpful too, build a relationship with yourself that you totally can trust. We don’t really have to get wrapped up in trusting the other people if we trust ourself a 100%. If you know yourself and you trust yourself a 100% you don’t have to really worry about what anyone else is doing because you always will make the right decision. You always respond intentionally the exact way you would like to be.

You can take the higher road almost every single time and even at times you don’t, you can show yourself compassion for being human but still own that experience. No one can make you do anything. No one can make you yell at them, or lie to them, or belittle them, or gossip about them. That’s all you a 100% of the time. So I just love this. I love the power behind not getting hooked. I picture a little Nemo fish just swimming around a hook knowing that that’s not their hook, so don’t take the bite, don’t take the bait. That’s kind of how I see myself though.

I think I’m more of a Dory, I’m a Dory fish. But I do notice when there’s hooks and there’s some bait when I’m swimming by. I’m like, no, not mine. That’s not mine. So I want you to the start thinking that way. It’s so useful, so helpful. You can just go, “No, not taking the bait, not biting the hook, not mine, not my business.” I’ve got bigger fish to fry. I’ve got big things I’m doing in the world. I’m on my way to being my next level version of me and that’s always a really good time.

And it has to be intentional, and it has to be purposeful, it has to be focused. It’s a very focused fun life to live this way. So that’s what I have for you today. I think this is genius, I love this episode. I love you all so much. I hope you all stayed safe and dry in the rain. We had a couple of treacherous moments in our life, my little town, our little beautiful town was under water. I’ll probably tell you some stories in the future but we’re all good and fine now and we’re grateful.

My family, we took the millions, our kids, and grandbabies to Lake Tahoe for a few days. We had the best time, we had so much snow, we had the best house. We ate at our favorite restaurant a couple of times, and we just had this bunch of sweet days together and there’s no one I’d rather be with than my family. And so still filled up from that. And then our town is drying up and so that’s good and hope you guys are all doing well too. So I hope your new year is off to a wonderful start like mine is. Don’t take the bait, don’t get hooked.

Listen to this episode a couple of times so you can kind of get what I’m talking about. I think it’s very relatable, we’re all the same this way. We all have brains that really like to get into other people’s drama and business. And I’m telling you it is never a good idea. And the more you want to grow, the happier you want to get the less you take the bait. And it’s just a discipline, it’s a practice, it’s a habit that gets super easy over time, I promise.

One more thing I want to mention. If you’ve been a client of mine in the past, it’s getting close to February 1st. I am starting a new group with just my past clients which is going to be so fun. I’m going to cap it at 10 people. I still have a few spots left. So please come get in this group, you’re going to love it. It’s at an amazing price. You’ll get my workbook in the mail, that is super helpful.

And you’ll also be invited to my two day retreat that is at my home in Shell Beach, California for just my clients and it is May 5th and 6th, Friday, and Saturday this spring, May 5th, and 6th of 2023. So you can put that on your calendar, for my clients, that’s just good news to have. We’re going to have the best two days ever. Your life will be changed just in those two days, that’s worth signing up for that invitation. Alright, I love you all, have the best week, I’ll see you next Thursday.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.