Ep 145. Self-Help

I am Kym Showers and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 145, Self-Help.

Welcome to the Reinvented After 40 podcast. I am your host, Kym Showers, and I’m a certified life coach for women in the second half of life. Each week I’ll bring you direct advice and inspiring, practical wisdom to help you live your very best life and create a future you’re absolutely obsessed with. It’s going to be fun, let’s get started.

Hello my friends, how are you out in podcast land? I’m so happy to be recording this episode today, 145 called Self-Help. So many reasons that this is going to be useful and helpful to all of us because I think I heard the term self-help when I was maybe in my 20s. I’m trying to think of maybe my first self-help book that I read. I think it was Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I think I’ve shared that with you before. And that went under the self-help section at the bookstore back in the day, back in the late 70s/early 80s.

And self-help became a whole thing, a whole vibe, something that was very attractive to me, that helped me make sense of my life. This section in Barnes & Noble helped me make sense of my life. And since then, I’ve read so many self-help books that have been so helpful to me. But this week I was listening to Gabby Bernstein, G-A-B-B-Y, Gabby Bernstein. I’m sure you’ve heard of her. If you haven’t listened to her, she has a great podcast and she’s just a big deal in the self-help world.

But she’s somewhat of a life coach and just a big deal, just adorable, so wise, so fun, very intelligent. I just love her. So, I was listening to her this week, her latest episode, and she wrote, I think this is her 10th book, you guys. And I think all of her books have been New York Times number one bestsellers so she’s extremely successful.

And her latest book, it’s not quite out yet but you can pre-order it right now, is called Self-Help. And once I was listening to her episode this week I started thinking about that term, self-help. And the way that she was talking about it was a little bit different than what I had been thinking about it. I really had just been thinking about self-help as just a title of a section, a genre, let’s just call it that, a genre. But the way she talked about it, the way I heard it and interpreted it, was really good and useful and helpful to me.

Because when we become our own help, we’re not looking outside of us. We become the one who is the helper for us. So, you become the number one helper for you and I become the number one helper for me. And what does that actually mean? What does that look like? How does that feel inside when I know I am the one to depend on? Now, some of you, that might scare you to death, I would rather depend on other people to help me and I think that is what we’re used to.

That’s the way we have been raised to think, that that is the best thing for us, to have a community of people that we can call. We’re all together in this tribe, and we’re all helping each other. And I’m all for that, do not get me wrong. But I think us women in the second half of life, we have spent the first 40/50 years of our lives being the helper to everyone else, which isn’t a problem unless we’re doing it at our own expense, which you guys know. I talk about this all the time.

And our own expense means that we are neglecting our own needs and manipulating other people to meet our needs because we are not able to meet our needs. Or we’re too afraid to meet our needs and we’re not allowed to meet our needs because that is the way we’ve been thinking and believing, that we are here primarily to serve other people. And honestly, you guys and you know, I love men. Men are not a problem for me. I’m married to a man. I have a wonderful man as a son, and I have a wonderful man as a son-in-law and I had a wonderful father.

I mean, I love all the men in my life, and so many men have helped me. But the general idea from men has been that we are here to serve them, to support them, to help them. And that has always just been our primary belief, because that is what we’ve been taught by men and by women. Because it feels good to help other people, and that’s not a problem until it’s at our own expense. That’s when it becomes a problem. So I’m here to help me and when I help me, everything else, the way that I show up to the world is very helpful automatically to the world.

Men do not need me to help them. Men do not need you to help them. And literally, you guys, I don’t need you to help me and you do not need me to help you. I’ve got me and you’ve got you. And I want to relate to you in such a way that I am holding you to this standard of belief in yourself, that you are very capable of helping yourself. And so, you figure out what areas you need help in, and then you figure out how to show up for yourself in these areas. That’s how we do it.

And this whole idea is what I’ve been teaching, how I coach, but I’m just taking it next level because of the way that my mind was shifted this week by Gabby Bernstein and just the way she talked about it. And you might listen to her episode and not even hear what I heard. But because of this journey and trajectory that I’m on and I’m definitely on a next level trajectory as far as where I was even in March of this year, even in April of this year. I have stepped into this version of myself where I am my strongest helper.

I am more brave and determined than I have ever been, and that’s what you have to become to be the number one helper in your own life. You have to be brave. You have to do things that nobody else is doing or willing to do. You have to be able to step away from what is expected of you and figure out what you want, who you are becoming, who you want to become, who your future self is and then start building this relationship with her, who you’re becoming. And then you show up as her bravely today and you get up tomorrow and you show up as her again.

And when you’ve been ‘going along’ with the status quo for as long as you’ve been going along, it might be 40 years, it might be 50 years, it might be 60 years, it might be 70 years. This is no easy feat, my friend. And the reason is because our brain and our nervous system is so trained.

And I’ve been coaching so much on this and coaching myself so much on this. We are triggered when we go against the status quo, when we go against what the patterns of our relationships have been. It’s so uncomfortable.

And let me tell you, I’m the first one to tell you that, I live in a level of discomfort because I want to be the number one help in my life. And I am her, I’m becoming her but it’s creating this ability in me to be brave enough to speak up and to say no and actually, to drop relationships just to tell people the truth. That I just really have changed and I no longer am interested in doing that anymore.

When I feel pressure from people in my old self, when I feel pressure from people, my old self would have just caved because my brain wants to feel relief from this pressure. Your brain might want to feel relief from the pressure when people are asking you something and you’re feeling pressured by it. And will just generally, if someone’s saying, “Hey, can you do this for me”, and it’s something that you’ve always been doing but you don’t want to do it anymore but you don’t know how to say, “I don’t want to do it anymore.”

That’s our problem. We just don’t know how to say it. We’re not brave enough to say it. We’re not willing to say it so we just keep doing it. And what I’ve gotten good at is saying, “You know what, I don’t want to do that anymore.” And if I’m feeling pressure from someone, if someone is rushing me, if I’m feeling rushed, I’ll take a step back. I’ll kind of ignore them for a minute and I’ll get in touch with myself. This is self-help. I get help from me, my future self, my highest self, the self that I trust the most. And I’ll go, “What is going on here? Why are you hesitating so much? Do you want to do this?”

And this has been happening a lot lately. I have been feeling pressure about certain things, some things with my business, some things with relationships, some things with just life in general. I’m really in a shifting mode. I’m in a changing mode. I’m changing some things up. And I’ve been feeling pressure and I’ve been kind of just ignoring the requests and just getting in touch with myself and getting clear about where the pressure is coming from and why I’m not just jumping in and saying yes. It’s because I don’t want to say yes. I don’t want to do that anymore.

And so now I’m just figuring out, what is it that I do want to do? And then I take my time and I get back to them when I figure out what I do want to do and I let them know, “I don’t want to do that anymore but I will do this.” And that’s what I say and then the ball’s in their court. If they don’t want to have this answer for me, then that’s on them. That’s totally fine because I am more concerned about me and what’s best for me moving forward.

And the old me would just say yes because I wasn’t brave enough to say the truth. And I didn’t know how to take a step back and really find out what it is that I want and what’s best for me in the next few months. What’s best for me in the next year and where do I want to transition and switch and change and where do I want to head instead? Even if I’ve told somebody that maybe I’m going to do it again and maybe I change my mind.

I love changing my mind, my friend, and I want you to start loving changing your mind and just tell people you’ve changed your mind. I know I told you I want to do this but I changed my mind. I realize that I just felt pressured into it. It’s not something I really want to do. It doesn’t align with where I’m headed and I don’t want to do it anymore. And it’s great, that is amazing. And you don’t want to drag a bunch of people with you just because you’re afraid of being alone. I want you to love being alone.

I want you to not be afraid to be with yourself and be comfortable being with yourself. And this is where your best growth comes, this is where my best growth has come because I am just willing to go it alone and most of the time I prefer to. But self-help means that you are taking action in your own life to give yourself exactly what you need. You are the one, you will always be the one. And if you need to communicate something to someone else, you need them to do a certain job for you, you need them to help you, this is what I think about my husband too.

Now, my husband and I have a very unique relationship and we are celebrating 40 years of marriage. I know I tell you this every week, but I want you to wrap your mind around that. I am very happily married. He is very happily married. And I think about this all the time. I think, would I choose him again because I am a totally different woman than the woman he married 40 years ago. I mean, come on, I hope so. I hope you’re a totally different woman than the woman that your husband married whenever you got married.

We’re here to change and to grow and to evolve and we should be doing that constantly all of the time. Jeff is very similar to the man I married and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. And I’m not even comparing him to me, which I used to do, I’m not comparing him to me anymore because I get to be the best version of me and he gets to be whoever he wants to be. And I get to think about him however I want to think about him and I love him and I appreciate him and I choose him every single day. And I want you to know, that’s what keeps me happy in my marriage.

But sometimes I need to make requests of him and I have to be brave enough to get clear about what I want from him, what I need from him, and then request that from him. Now, he gets to tell me no if he doesn’t want to do what I’m requesting of him. I don’t request things very often. He gets to tell me no, he gets to tell me whatever he wants to tell me. I don’t ask very much. I feel like I’m pretty easy because I really do take care of myself but I do evaluate, would I marry him again today? Would I choose him again today?

Now, if I had to share a bedroom with him the answer would be no, I would not. If I had to share a bathroom with him the answer would be no, I would not. If I had to share a closet with him the answer would be no, I would not. If he required of me to be very domestic and be super supportive of him and to give up what I wanted so that he could get all his needs met, would I choose him? No, I absolutely would not. So, see, everything has changed because my beliefs about marriage have changed. My beliefs about why I’m here have changed. My beliefs about how important my needs are have changed.

So, my needs are more important than his needs in my own life, and his needs should be more important than my needs in his own life. He should be taking care of his own needs and I’m taking care of my own needs. Does he make a request of me every once in a while? Absolutely. And the kind of wife I want to be, I usually honor those requests. Sometimes I say no if I don’t want to, but he trusts that about me. And he’ll say no if he doesn’t want to, if I make a request of him and I trust him that he’s going to tell me the truth.

I just want an honest, clear relationship with him, where we trust each other but that is really on me. That isn’t even on him. I do not require him to get on board or anything before I make a move. I’ll kind of just let him know and then I’ll make a move.

Who was I listening to? It was some interview with a woman who’s older than me, it might have been Jane Fonda. It might have been on a podcast. Anyways, I’m always watching interviews and I’m always listening to podcasts, but whoever it was, someone I love and respect and someone that’s a very successful woman that is maybe 10/20 years older than me. She was talking about her earlier marriages. She’s not married anymore, but she goes, “I am just so happy to be single. I’m so happily independent.” And for sure she is her biggest self-helper.

She knows how to help herself very well. She said, “He would have to just buy the house next door to me.” And I was thinking, yes, that’s how I would be too. So, Jeff and I are able to live together. He’s very easy. I’m very easy. I take care of myself. I make sure I get everything I need. He has a lot less requirements, a lot less needs, he’s not bougie like I am. He’s just happy with his little TV room and his little recliner. I need an ocean view. I need specific bougie things for me and he is fine with that. He just doesn’t need them so it works well for us.

And we get to live in the same house and have our own space. And I guess that’s what I’m getting at too. I used to worry about what people would be saying, what people would be thinking, when I kicked him out of our bedroom and said, “I need my own space. You need your own space.” Because back then, that was gosh, 13 years ago, we were in this community of people where you didn’t make that announcement to people because they would be talking about us.

They would be saying that we had problems, that we weren’t the ideal marriage, which there is no such thing, you guys, as an ideal marriage, you know that. There’s just a marriage that you can be your best self in and you can be thriving in. And then there’s a marriage where you are controlled and not thriving in, and there’s a bunch in between. But getting back to what I was telling you, I really do evaluate, would I pick you again?

Am I in an environment where I’m thriving, where I’m able to grow and change and evolve to my next level and I don’t feel like I’m being held back by you? And I don’t, I feel I’m able to grow and change and thrive and evolve and he does his thing and I do my thing and I am my best supporter. I am my biggest helper. He helps in ways that I love and appreciate, but I help myself the most. I help myself more. He doesn’t even know really what I need like I know what I need. He can’t really even comprehend.

So, if you’re feeling stuck and you’re expecting your husband to know what you need and you’re getting frustrated with it, I’m telling you to drop all of that. Be your own person. Be the one that you require to get on board with you and stop requiring him to get on board with you or your friends to get on board with you or your community to get on board with you or your grown kids. None of that even matters anymore. You get on board with you. You decide what you want and then just let everyone know what you’re doing.

Let the people that you need to know what you’re doing, know what you’re doing. And have your own back there, and cheer yourself on and get yourself a coach. Definitely hire me to be your coach. It will make your journey to self-help so much easier, self-belief so much easier, getting what you want, getting unstuck so much easier, my friend. When you’re surrounded with women who are on the same journey in the second half of life, like you would be if you joined my July group.

You will come, we’ll meet together every week, you’ll look so forward to it. You’ll be able to just share your big goals, your big dreams, your big wants and longings and desires that maybe you’ve never even been able to share before, out loud. And then you’ll be able to become your biggest supporter, your biggest helper, your biggest cheerleader. You’ll learn the tools and the skills of coaching yourself so you’re not waiting on someone to come and help you, you will be able to help yourself.

You guys, that’s the best gift we can give the people we love the most when we stop being the victim in our own life. No one is making you the victim. No one has ever made me the victim, but our brain loves to play the victim. We’re going to stop all that nonsense and we’re going to be the queen of our life and we’re going to be the helper in our life. We’re going to be the boss of our life. Every morning we’re going to get up and we’re even putting our brain on notice.

I’m going to teach you skills that you’re going to start practicing where you think only the thoughts that are required of you to think today. You are not thinking thoughts that are unusual for you. You can get your brain on track to think only thoughts that are useful for you and you suspend all the other thoughts. This is how you’re so productive and you’re taking action in your life every single day, taking action is everything. And the way that we take action is we change our mind, we change our thoughts, we learn how to focus our brain on the things we want to take action on.

And we have to know the reason why we want to take the action. We want to have a good reason. Anyways, I want you to come work with me because you’re going to become the biggest helper in your own life. You’re going to learn how to help yourself. That’s what self-help means. And I love that idea so much. That is very helpful for me. Very empowering for all of us. And being empowered as a 63 year old woman is what I’m all about. I’m willing to be uncomfortable. I’m willing to be brave. I’m willing to be noticed. I’m willing to be talked about.

I’m even willing for people to be wrong about me. That doesn’t even matter really to me anymore like it used to. I’m willing to be judged because I am so loving and kind and generous to myself. I’m so helpful to myself that if someone else wants to judge me, I’m totally fine with that because I understand how our brains are. Our brains love to judge ourselves and love to judge each other. I spend very little time judging other people because I just spend very little time judging myself. That is just a telltale sign that women who are judging other people constantly, that’s just the projection of what’s going on internally.

So internally we judge ourselves if we don’t know how to manage our mind. And when we understand how our brain is working, [inaudible] brain just is wired for judgment, then we can override that and become so much less judgmental of ourselves and in turn so much less judgmental of others. When we are much more kind and loving to ourselves, you guys, and we’re much more kind and loving and forgiving to other people, when we’re really geared towards meeting our own needs then we’re so much more helpful to other people. So that’s how it works. We have to start with us.

Once we get all of our needs met, once we figure out how to make ourselves so motivated, so happy, so grateful, so energetic in our own lives. Then we take all that energy out into the world and we can’t help but be all of those things out in the world. And that’s what we’re all after. So, self-help is the key. I love that. I’d love for you to come and get some help from me. Join my July group, it starts July 9th. Now is the time to join. Get in this group, it is phenomenal already. It’s small, it’s intimate. You’re going to love it.

It’s not one of those big old groups where you get coached by different coaches every week. It’s a small, intimate group where you will meet with me and me only every single week, with these beautiful women that you’re going to become friends with. And it’s a safe place just to dump out your brain every single week with me and other women, everybody does it. Oh my gosh, it is so helpful, it helps everybody in the group.

Okay, my friend, I love you so much. Have the best week and I will talk to you next Thursday.

If you love this podcast, I invite you to come work with me. Go to kymshowerslifecoach.com, sign up for my next group and retreat, and let’s create your dream life together.