Ep 93. Decide Everything Ahead of Time

I am Kym Showers, and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number 93: Decide Everything Ahead of Time.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own well-being and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s going to be fun. Let’s go.

Hey, my friends, welcome back to the podcast. I love you. I love talking to you and staring at the ocean on my podcast recording days. I just posted this cute little Instagram of me trying on my puffer jackets. And I found this color wheel to put on there because I was telling you guys on Instagram that I have all these colorful puffer jackets. And so I did a little, cute little fashion show of, I think, four of them. But I found this color wheel and I was thinking, I think often about my life like a pie. And so I have all these slices, all these pieces in my pie that are really important to me.

And now I’m thinking the color wheel represents this version of me, this latest version of me so perfectly. It’s twirling and it has every bright, bold, brilliant color in the color wheel. And that’s how I feel now. I feel like that every single day. I feel like a color wheel. And I feel like even this podcast is a slice in that color wheel. It’s just this vibrant hot pink or a bright orange or a sparkly lime green. It’s just such an important part of my life and I love it so much. It helps me so much. It helps my business so much. And I know it helps you so much.

And I just think that’s why we’re all here, you guys, to figure out what we love to do, what makes us feel most alive and what brings the most value and goodness to the world. And just keep practicing more of that, keep choosing more of that. Don’t you agree with me? I know you do. So that’s how I feel about my podcast in this 93rd episode and my anticipation of my 100th episode and you guys, the fact that I have made $100,000 in the last six months in my business just blows my mind.

I think about myself five years ago and how I was only dreaming of one day being able to create that kind of money in my business and to have that kind of confidence and to have been that consistent is mind blowing to me. And I want you to know anything that you’re thinking about right now that you want to create for yourself, you can decide to do that. And then you can just figure out how to get to work, taking the first step and then the second step and then the third step. And you just figure out the path as you go, which is just so fun.

And your life becomes this magical color wheel that is so fun to live. It’s so fun to get up every morning and live this life that you’ve created by being brave and bold and taking chances on yourself. So I named this episode, Decide Everything Ahead of Time because I think that is one of the reasons that I have what I have now. And it’s because I’ve learned the skill of making all of my decisions ahead of time. And I really do think that’s a super power. And I do think that is a huge reason why I get the results that I do in my life and a huge reason that I feel so good every single day.

Because it has been trial and error. It has been like trying something maybe that someone else was doing and maybe it didn’t work for me. And even feeling disappointed about it and feeling discouraged about it, all of that’s okay. But then being willing to try something different, maybe after five or six tries I found the thing that worked for me in every area, in my relationships, in the area of building my self-concept, in the area of my business, in the area of my health and fitness goals.

I have just kind of trial and errored my way here but knowing what I know now I really do believe I am just getting started, just tapping into the power that I have in my own life. When I make my decisions ahead of time and basically I do it every single day. So everything I’m doing today I decided yesterday. So I decided my whole day today, yesterday or even last week when I put it all on my calendar. But I write it down the day before. It’s all on my calendar but then I write it down specifically on my little daily notepad. I keep telling you guys this because it’s so powerful.

And then I don’t decide anything today because it’s already decided for me. And everything on my schedule today is setting me up for my goals. So my end of the week goals, my end of the month goals. So how are you doing on your June challenge? Are you practicing meditating every day like I am? Are you practicing not complaining every day like I am? Are you practicing exercising for at least 30 minutes every day like I am? These three practices alone have the strength, have the energy, have the power to change your own life forever.

That’s how much belief I have in them. So you have to decide ahead of time what you are going to focus on every single day and then constrain your focus to what you had planned today to do. When your brain wants to wander around and think about what everyone else might be doing and then giving you the feelings like you’re missing out on something.

Stop that habit and bring your brain back to your specific calendar for the day, your specific dream life for the day I like to call it because I decide everything ahead of time as aligning with my goals, with my values, with my ‘dream life’ that I’m living today. Everything lines up with my dream life. So it’s not just things to check off of my list that I’m dreading. It’s actually things that I am loving because those are the things, those are the actions, those are the practices that are actually creating my dream life. Do you see how important that is to know that?

So if you’re just doing things just to do them or because someone else wants you to do them and you don’t actually want to do them, you’ve got to stop that. On your list every day, you guys, should be things that you actually 100% are choosing on purpose because you know that that is what you want to do. Because the more you do that thing the more of your dream life comes together.

So it’s a sliver on the color wheel of your dream life, this beautiful color wheel that you have created that we’re going to call your dream life because I’m calling that my dream life. I have all of these beautiful colors on my wheel every day. It’s why I get up and exercise hard, work out hard at Orangetheory every single morning, because that alone gives me the feelings and the energy that I want to have to create the life. This day is my life. This day today is my dream life. This day today could be your dream life, if you choose it that way.

If you just don’t get up in the morning and just do what you feel like doing, I don’t think that’s a good way to live. I think you’re going to end up running your life in circles and feel stuck and feel like you’re not headed anywhere and feel like you don’t know what your purpose is. I think that is your problem. If you haven’t built the skill of deciding ahead of time, if you haven’t understood and practiced it enough to see how powerful that is in your life. I love to ask the question even to myself every day, it’s so powerful for me to ask myself, how do I want to feel today?

If I get up and feel a little anxious or a little dread, I’ll go, “That’s okay, you can come along with me. But what are the feelings I really want to feel today?” And always I’ll tell you my three favorite feelings are feeling energetic, optimistic, motivated. I love feeling focused. I love feeling inspired and I know how to get myself there. And so thinking like this is so productive. And I love being me every day because I love feeling like this.

So I ask my clients too if they’re feeling down, if they’re feeling stuck, I say, “Well, how do you want to feel? What are the feelings you want to feel?” And then if they can identify the feelings they want to feel, then we get to work on ways that they can create those feelings for themselves right now. So let’s say you’re feeling discouraged because maybe you feel left out. Let’s say you feel left out or you feel rejected or you feel discouraged because someone said something to you. So I like to look at that and ask the question, “What would you have wanted them to say to you?” And so then think about that.

Well, I would want them to say, “I love you. I appreciate you. I notice you. I see you.” And then I ask them, “Well, then how would you feel if say that they said that to you?” Let’s say it’s your friend or your husband, let’s say your husband said, “I see everything you did today, I see how beautiful you are. You’re amazing. I appreciate you so much honey.” Then how would you feel if he looked at you and said that he notices you? And let’s say he showed up with flowers, if that’s something that you love, how would you feel?

And so then you describe the feelings, like I would feel so good. I would feel so loved. I would feel so encouraged. I would feel noticed and appreciated. So those are the feelings we want to feel. So then those are the feelings we get to work creating for ourselves. Anything that we’re wanting someone else to give us, we have to learn the skill, you guys, of giving it to ourselves. It’s so possible to be able to feel those feelings on purpose, give those feelings to ourselves. I do it every single day. I am not saying to ignore any negative feelings you have because I love negative feelings.

I’ve learned how to just pour out love on my negative feelings that feels so useful to me. I bring them all along, the difference is I do not let those negative feelings drive my day. I do not sit in those negative feelings for very long. I don’t mind feeling them if they show up, but usually I don’t want to feel them. And usually there’s no good reason to feel them. It’s more of what my body is used to feeling after being 62 years old on planet Earth and spending most of those years in people pleasing. So my body is so used to going to she might be mad at me, he might be mad at me.

My mind and body are used to the thought that the belief that someone might be mad at me and then that’s a problem. It’s so interesting this is what I’ve realized and I let that be okay. So no one usually is mad at me and if they are mad at me it’s okay, it’s not a problem for me. I don’t have to be in this fight or flight mode. Nothing is really wrong but our bodies are used to, if we’ve been people pleasers and in codependent relationships and we’re trying to get out of them and we’re putting ourself first for the first time. There’s a lot of memory in our body that will go to anxiousness or fight or flight.

And we feel like we have to make things right with other people when we’re breaking free from that. So I recognize that even in my own body now. So my practice, you guys, and these are things that I decide ahead of time, this is why I’m telling you this story. Because every day there are times during the day when that anxiety will flare up or this feeling like something’s wrong. But now I know and this is my practice on a daily basis, honey, nothing’s wrong. Everything is okay. We’re okay, we’re safe.

So at some point every day I tell myself that because out of the blue something negative will flare up inside of me, some anxiousness, some anxiety will flare up, some fear. And I’ll go, “Wait a minute, it’s okay, look around, everything’s okay, we’re safe.” So I decide that ahead of time and then I ask myself, how do we want to feel right now, everything’s fine. I am safe. Everybody’s okay. How do I want to feel? I want to feel okay. I want to feel happy. I want to feel energetic. So I bring my brain back to the task at hand.

And the task at hand is my dream life because everything that I do every day is contributing to my dream life, is a piece of the color wheel of my dream life. My life, you guys, is so vibrant. It feels so full of life every day. I don’t want to lose a day in negative feelings that are not even necessary. Do you see that? They’re not necessary, nothing is really wrong. And I learned this a long time ago. It’s just part of being human, it’s part of the human condition.

There is a void there that we all feel sometimes or like something’s wrong when nothing actually is wrong, which is so good to know. I love that. So I just decide ahead of time when that flares up during the day, I expect it. It’s going to be there at some point. And sometimes I even go and walk over in the mirror, “Honey, you’re okay, we’re safe. All is well. We’re doing fine.” And how do you want to feel right now? We want to feel relieved and happy and full of peace and joy. So we’re going to get back to work.

So that’s when I bring my brain back to focus on what my task is, what this beautiful slice is that I’m working on, this colorful task that I’m working on that fits so brilliantly in the color wheel of my dream life. So I decide everything ahead of time so I’m not waffling, I’m not spinning in confusion ever really during the day because my days are so planned out and decided ahead of time. And there is a thing of, it might sound silly but it isn’t, this decision fatigue like I’m so tired of making decisions.

So I always tell you because this is the way I’ve decided that works best for me. I don’t make any decisions usually after three o’clock in the afternoon. Everything’s been decided. My days usually shut down by then. My production day has been shut down by then. I’ve already filled out my schedule for the following day, so that’s already been decided. And the rest of the day is just white space where literally I get to do whatever I want to do, whatever I feel like doing because literally you guys, I have spent 10 to 12 hours being focused on purpose and been productive on purpose.

And then the next 12 hours I get to just do whatever I feel like doing. I get to watch TV. I usually start meditating. I usually just sit and stare at the ocean for 20 minutes and just think thoughts on purpose even and think beautiful thoughts and gracious, grateful thoughts on purpose. So we get to make all these decisions about our life ahead of time and then stick to it. And that’s a decision too. So we don’t ask other people’s opinions anymore because we value our opinion the most.

So that’s a skill, that’s a discipline that you’re going to really have to establish if you’re so used to even accepting other people’s opinions, unsolicited opinions. Just know what your opinion is and know to trust that opinion. That’s what you want. So it’s just going to confuse you more if you’re used to accepting or polling everybody for their opinions. No, you know what’s best for you. Trust yourself, you decide ahead of time and then stick with that plan, stick with that opinion.

And know that whatever you are working on, this is why it’s so good to have a coach, because I will just help you learn how to trust yourself and you learn how to have an opinion and value that opinion and stick by that opinion, have your own back when you make your decisions. You guys, it is so much fun being a really good decision maker and deciding everything for your life ahead of time and not polling other people and sticking by your decision. And even when you have self-doubt, just know that’s what your brain’s so practiced at is giving you doubtful thoughts. That’s what we call buyer’s remorse even.

It’s okay but just don’t obey your brain. Your highest self, make all your decisions from your future self, from the woman, the highest version of you who’s already achieved all of her goals. So we’re lining up all of our days, our beautiful days with our goals, with our values, with the things that we really want to create in our life. So everything we do has a reason and we like our reason. So write everything down the day before, decide ahead of time how you’re going to feel, how you’re going to be thinking and feeling and acting every single day.

And if you’re feeling a little down in the dumps, if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed, it’s okay, accept it. Don’t make yourself wrong for that, give it lots of room, process it. But then ask yourself, well, how do I want to feel? I want to feel optimistic. I want to feel energetic. I want to get all my stuff done that I had planned ahead of time and then get to work doing that. Bring your brain back to the schedule for the day, the things that you decided yesterday that you’re going to get done today.

And then when you get everything done I want you to feel how you feel, which is always so relieved, so proud, so happy, so thankful that you did exactly what you decided that you were going to do. This is how you build such an empowered relationship with yourself where you just trust yourself the most. You don’t have to be validated by anyone outside of you because you’re giving yourself every single thing that you need.

You guys, this is a reality that you can create for yourself. I know this is absolutely possible for you. You do not have to complain about your life ever again. It is not useful to ever do that, You don’t have to complain about the people in your life ever again. It is not useful to do that, just decide, this is the new version of me. Decide ahead of time, I am never going to complain or gossip again because gossiping is just complaining about other people. It is never useful for you.

Exercising every day. And I’m going to tell you, a full hour of exercising first thing in the morning will benefit you and your dream life more than you could ever imagine, I promise you. And now adding meditation and quiet reflection, 20 minutes of gratitude every single day no matter what, has so many benefits moving forward. So remember, we don’t spend a lot of time in our past, maybe at 100% or the full piece of the pie, the whole color wheel. Maybe we spend a sliver of that pie thinking about our past, thinking about yesterday. But really learning how to think useful thoughts about our past.

But most of our color wheel, most of our dream life is created because we are spending our focused energy on today, on right now and moving forward and our future. That’s where all the beauty lies. That’s where all the power lies. That’s where all of our good energy is created. And being a woman in the second half of life who has so much impact on the world around her, on the people around her where she is very influential in such an optimistic way. This is the way. This is the way you do it.

It’s a magical life. It’s a fun life when you’re the boss of it and you’re deciding ahead of time.

Alright, that’s what I have for you today. I want you to know everything is possible for you. I, 100% know that if you say yes to yourself and sign up for my August first group and come to the retreat in November and spend the next six months with me and this powerful group of women. You will be a completely different version of yourself in six months in six months.

You will be so glad that you did this work and you learned the tools and the skills and the practices that I teach so that you can stop people pleasing, you can stop hustling for validation, you can stop feeling overwhelmed and feeling underwhelmed and feeling stuck in your life.

You want to be able to manage your thoughts and manage your emotions in such a way that you create exactly the life that you’ve only dreamt of. That this becomes a reality for you, not only this year but next year and the year after that, that by the time that you become 62 like I am, you can be talking like this and feeling like this and have so much momentum in your life. I want all of this for you. I have so much belief in you and so much compassion and understanding and love for you. And I want you to say yes to yourself and come get in this group.

Alright, I love you. Have the best week and I will see you next Thursday.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.