Ep 1. We’re Supposed to Change

I’m Kym Showers and this is Reinvented After 40, episode number one, We’re Supposed to Change.

Hey, friends. Welcome to Reinvented After 40, a podcast for all you women in the second half of life who are ready to take responsibility for your own well-being and create a life you love living.

I’m your host, Kym Showers, and after spending the first 40 years of my life people-pleasing and following all the rules, I was exhausted and ready for a change. I reinvented myself. I stopped outsourcing my happiness. And I’ve been brave enough to live a different kind of life.

I’ll be here each week to help you do the same thing. It’s gonna be fun. Let’s go.

Hello, friends, and welcome to the first episode of the podcast. Super glad you’re here. On today’s show, I’m teaching you five ideas that will help you if you’re wanting to change and grow and reinvent yourself, but not sure where to start. They’ll be useful and give you what you need to keep you moving forward with courage and confidence and even a little fun.

But before we dive in, let me tell you a little bit about myself. I’m 60 years old. I’ve been married to my darling husband, Jeff, for 37 years. And a year ago, actually today, we moved to the beach. He got to stay home from work because of COVID, and now we’re both working from home. So, we’re like, “What the heck! Let’s go!” We found our dream house and we basically stare at the ocean all day.

And the best part is that our kids live close by. Our son, Riley, lives in Santa Barbara, which is like an hour and 15 minutes away. Our daughter Clancy and our son-in-law Kyran and our two funny, perfect granddaughters, Goldie and Dolly, live like 12 minutes away from us. So, we’re just living our dream.

And I have to tell you that the last 20 years of my life since I turned 40 have been the best years because I have reinvented myself, even more than once since then. Because I’m just a big believer in living your best life. And when things stop working, it’s time to find new ways to move forward. New beliefs to believe, new thoughts to think, new actions to take. Totally reinvent yourself in just such a brave, new way.

And that’s why I created this podcast: because I want to help you do the exact same thing. I want to help you fall in love with yourself and be madly in love with the life that you’re living.

I am a huge fan of reinventing ourselves after 40, because that’s kind of the time when us women feel a little bit stuck or our kids move away and, you know, we’re empty nesters and all of a sudden, everything that was taking up all of our energy and all of the space in our home, it’s just gone. Very typical time for us to go, “Wait, what? What just happened? Who am I? What am I doing?” And that definitely happened with me. In my late 40s, the kids moved away, and kind of midlife took me by surprise.

And I’m so glad that it did. And I’m so glad that it was difficult and challenging and that I had to do a lot of work to figure out what I wanted, who I am, and what I wanted moving forward, and what kind of life was available to me.

So, I think that if we look at it that way, if we just stay open and kind of expect there will always be times of change and kind of wondering what the next direction is and just be willing to pivot, that’s what creates a life we love living. And I’ve always been able to do that.

And so, that’s the purpose of this podcast. The goal of this podcast, you guys, is for me to help you make all the changes that—in your life, this one and precious life that you are living—that you’ve been longing for. I’ll teach you how to take responsibility for your own happiness. I’ll teach you how to create a life you love living.

I like to think of life after 40, after 50, after 60, after 70, and so on, as our second half of life, which for sure is our most magical half if we let it be. And for sure has been my most powerful half. I’ve been able to just let go of all the things that were holding me back. There’s no reason to hold onto anything that feels heavy or that is holding us back anymore. Here we are and we get to have what we want. We’re supposed to reinvent ourselves after 40. I promise you. We’re supposed to change. It’s the law of the universe. It’s pretty much expected.

The ability for us women to shift and change and reinvent ourselves is our superpower and it is our God-given right, because there comes a time when the things we’re believing and the way we’re living stops working for us. And we have a choice to make. We can stay stuck in the rinse-and-repeat cycle, which is dumb, right?

Or, you guys, we can find a better way. And there’s always a better way. I’ve always been able to find it. And I’ll teach you how to do it for yourself each week on this podcast, using some practical disciplines, principles, and tools.

So, today on our first episode, I want to introduce you to five ideas that you can start practicing that will be useful for you.

Idea number one: people and circumstances do not create our feelings. Why didn’t anyone ever tell us this? This is the most helpful thing to know. Nothing outside of us can ever create our feelings. And that’s just true. And knowing this will be our most powerful tool because then we don’t have to change our circumstances to feel better. We don’t have to manipulate our people to feel better. Right?

I always thought that people could hurt my feelings, or people could make me feel bad, or even that people could make me feel good or help me feel loved. I always thought that if other people thought I was good enough, then I could feel good enough. Like, I would give myself permission to feel good enough if other people thought I was good enough.

And so, the problem with that is that that creates a people pleaser, and that’s what I got really good at is people-pleasing. I could always find a way to win people over and cheer people up and then that made me feel good about myself.

And I was trained very young by my mom. My mom needed me to be a good girl, and to love her, and to cheer her on, and to not do anything to hurt her feelings, and then she would be nice to me. I needed her to be okay before I could be okay.

But the problem is that she was rarely okay. So, that was a problem for me. I spent my childhood trying to make my mom happy, and it was an impossible job. I didn’t know that it’s perfectly fine to let other people feel how they feel and not make it mean anything about us—about me, about them. I didn’t know that it was okay for people to be mad at me.

But now I know. And I want you to know as well. You can’t make people happy. I promise you. You are not responsible for your husband’s happiness or your kids’ happiness or your parents’ happiness or your friends’ happiness. And they aren’t responsible for yours. You are only responsible for your own happiness.

And circumstance and people can’t make you happy. Your thinking makes you happy. Your thoughts create your feelings. Your circumstances and your people are always neutral until you think thoughts about them. You create your feelings. People and circumstances do not.

Idea number two: you, my friend, are your most important relationship. We spend the first half of our life putting everyone else first because this is what we’re taught to do. We think it’s selfish to do what we want, and so most of us get to 40, and we don’t even know what we want. Right? Can you relate to that?

We never allowed ourselves the pleasure of knowing what we want, and it is such a pleasure to know what we want. We know we’re really good at knowing what everyone else wants, and we’re very busy tending to their wants and needs and desires. And that even gives us a dopamine hit. That makes us feel good when we think we’re making other people happy, and that just comes natural to us.

I’m not saying that we don’t give people what they want sometimes, but we don’t do it at our own expense. And we don’t do it expecting them to turn around and do something for us, right? That’s not good for anyone. That pattern always sets us up for resentment.

That’s why most of us hit our 40s, 50s, and 60s, and find ourselves exhausted and confused. We followed the rules and put everyone else first and not much turned out the way we expected. So, here we are. And we’re ready to figure out who we are, what we want—maybe for the first time.

Most of my clients have no idea what they want when they first come to me. And so, that’s kind of the first order or business: figuring out what they want. Deciding what we want, ladies, and being able to articulate it clearly and then take action to create it—to go get it—is the goal. This is our goal in the second half of life: knowing who we are, knowing what we want, and then creating a plan and a goal to go get it. Right?

So, you must know who you are. You must know what you want. You must know that you are your most important relationship. You build trust in yourself when you take care of yourself. You build trust in yourself when you tell yourself the truth. You build trust in yourself when you give yourself all the love and all the compassion and all the care that you need. When you stop waiting for someone else to take care of you, you change your life and all of your relationships get so much easier.

Idea number two: you are your most important relationship.

Moving on to idea number three: you can’t make a wrong decision. I promise you. You can’t. And that’s another issue for us in the second half of life. We have a hard time making decisions. We’ve kind of given our power to other people and let them kind of make our decisions for us.

So, this is a very important shift in you—to open up to the idea that you can’t make a wrong one. And when you think that and believe that, making decisions for yourself becomes so simple. I promise you. You get to just simply decide, and then you move on.

And you do that so often that you get really practiced at decision-making. You get strong at decision-making. Like, you remove the drama of it. You don’t go back and forth in your head. You don’t regret and think you made the wrong one, because you can’t make the wrong one. I promise you.

Every decision I’ve ever made has been the exact right decision. And I can find all evidence to prove that true. Even if it looks like at the moment that I made the wrong decision—like, maybe something weird happened—that was supposed to happen. Right? Because here we are—like, here I am now—and all those experiences got me to this place.

And that’s the same with you. You haven’t made any wrong decisions in your past. Every choice you’ve ever made has been the right choice for you. When you practice thinking like this, my friends, it sets you free and it sets you up for future success. When you’re looking at your options, you simply pick the one you like the most and you never look back. Okay?

I’ve gotten so good at this that I literally no longer think about what Jeff wants me to do, what maybe the kids want me to do, or what maybe my friends or family wants me to do. I don’t ask for opinions because I know what’s best for me. That I’m sure of. No one else knows what’s best for me. I know what’s best for me.

And that’s the same for you. No one else knows what’s best for you. You know what’s best for you. So, you get to make your decisions.

I always just think about what I want, and then I do that. And it always works out. I always like my choice. I don’t waffle or agonize or think I made a mistake. It’s impossible. The decisions we make are always the right decisions. We make them and then we move on. We make the choice and then we turn around and we make it the right choice.

You decide you’re going to love it no matter what. And that’s what I do. I just decide, “This is gonna be the best,” and then while I’m in the discovery part of the decision, I just keep focusing my brain on why this was the right one. It’s always the right one.

So, stop hesitating. Stop doubting. Stop second-guessing. Stop discussing it. Stop all the drama about decision-making. And stop even the thought “I’m not good at decisions.” Or a thought like “I’m a bad decision-maker.” Or a thought like “I can’t trust myself.” Stop all that. Drop all that nonsense.

Just decide. You know what’s best for you. You can’t make a wrong decision. So, you’re gonna do what you want. You make your decision. And you make it the right one. Okay? So, stop waiting for permission. Stop wondering what other people might say. Stop making excuses. Stop overthinking. And stop wasting your time.

Get practiced and quick and confident at making decisions, because let me tell you, sister, you cannot make a wrong one. I promise. And that’s idea number three.

The next idea, idea number four, is: you are amazing and also you are loved. That’s just the plain truth. Your only problem is that you don’t believe it. You don’t think you are. And you are all the time. If you decided to start practicing thinking on purpose that you are amazing and you are loved, you could put your brain to work and discover all kinds of evidence to prove that thought true. You will never be the same.

So, this belief came from the fact that I went to church the first 50 years of my life. I learned a lot of things—a lot of amazing things—and then I unlearned a lot of things. But what I held onto and literally have built my life on and my belief on is the fact that I am loved and I am amazing.

And it’s as simple as that. I don’t really have to know any more than that. To be able to go to church for 50 years and come out knowing that you’re completely loved no matter what, that’ll get you the best life you can ever imagine.

There has been zero downside to believing this for me. There has only been an unbelievable and extraordinary amount of goodness that I have been brave enough to create fueled by this belief.

Can you imagine a world where every human, without a doubt, knew that they were amazing and loved? Like, no matter what? It would solve every problem in the world. It would solve all of our problems.

So, women who operate from love and self-worth don’t compare and don’t be little and don’t gossip. Women who operate from love and self-worth don’t complain and don’t judge and don’t criticize. Women who operate from love and self-worth tell the truth and don’t make excuses and aren’t afraid to be wrong.

I could go on and on. You are amazing and you are loved, my friend. No matter what. Drop any thought to the contrary. Practice knowing this. Practice thinking this and believing this about you, because it’s 100% absolutely true. You are amazing and you are loved and there’s not one thing you can do about it.

I love that. Okay. That’s my idea number four.

Last, but not least, is idea number five, which is: your brain is running the show. Your thoughts are creating your reality. Life isn’t just happening to you. Your brain interprets circumstances and then tells you a story. This is really good to know.

The truth is, our brain’s primary job is to keep us safe. Our brain wants to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy. It doesn’t want us to grow and evolve and reach our goals. Our brain wants us to sit on the sofa and eat pie and watch Netflix. It wants us to be comfortable and safe and small.

So, we must get good at thinking on purpose. We must practice managing our minds. If we don’t like the way we’re feeling and we aren’t getting the results we want, we can change our thinking. Just because we think thoughts doesn’t mean they’re true. We can think anything we want to. Did you know this? Did you know you can think anything you want to? You can.

And since our thoughts matter most, we might as well think thoughts that serve us well and give us the exact life experience we want. I’ll teach you the skill of managing your mind, because your brain is running your show.

Okay. So that was idea number five. And let me recap your new ideas to practice.

Number one: circumstances and people don’t create your feelings.

Number two: you are your most important relationship.

Number three: you can’t make a wrong decision.

Number four: you are amazing and you are loved no matter what.

And number five: your brain is running the show.

So, play with these ideas for a while and see what happens. You may be surprised at the subtle shifts you notice in the way you feel. We are just scratching the surface of who we’re becoming. I mean, I love thinking like that. Like, we’re just ramping up in our 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s, and 80s, right? Our second half of life. It’s such an exciting thought that we are scratching the surface of who we’re becoming.

We’re never too young and we’re never too old. That’s all made up. Everything is available to us. And we are always right on time and right where we should be. Nothing has ever gone wrong. We have all the things we’ll ever need to create the exact life we want to live. I promise you.

And change is a very good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment. When we get curious about it instead of resisting it, we discover an endless amount of possibilities—an infinite number of ways to live. It’s always and only up to us. We have all the power if we’re willing to take it.

Dolly Parton said, “If you don’t like the road you’re on, start paving a new one.” I love her so much. And it’s true. I’m pretty sure this is what she’s talking about, you guys. The second half of life. If we don’t like the road that we’re on right here, right now, let’s start paving a new one. And I love a new road. So, let’s get going.

And I’m so glad you’re here with me on this journey—on this podcast journey. I know you’ll grow with me, and I do love you so much for showing up today. And I will see you next week.

To celebrate the launch of the show, I’m going to be giving away a few of my very favorite things to five lucky listeners who follow, rate, and review the podcast. And it doesn’t really have to be a five-star review, though, of course, I would be ever grateful. And I do hope you love the show. But I do want your honest feedback so I can create something awesome that provides a lot of value for you.

So, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com/PodcastLaunch to learn more about the contest and how to enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on the podcast in an upcoming episode.

Thanks for listening to Reinvented After 40. If you want more information or resources from the podcast, please visit KymShowersLifeCoach.com.